tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180662012-01-31T02:41:56.232-05:00LOOK OUT, MAN!Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.comBlogger1291100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-80739280083160934582010-10-18T14:54:00.002-04:002010-10-18T14:58:40.564-04:00

TODAY'S LIST OF WORRIES1. My blood pressure2. My parents3. My job is making me crazy4. A general sense of existential dread5. The upcoming election6. My garage needs painting7. Winter is coming8. Are the stitches in my thumb healing properly?9. That I will never finish a novel10. That I will turn into one of these lumpen weirdos at the coffeehouse

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-35850620216423768272010-05-23T20:35:00.002-04:002010-05-23T20:40:08.641-04:00

THINGS AYN RAND PROBABLY NEVER SAID1. "When is someone going to fill those goddamned potholes ... wait...what?"2. "Dagny Taggart? What kind of name is Dagny? How high was I when I wrote that?"3. "You're right -- that sentence does go around and around without making any sense."4. "Enough about the federal reserve; I'm about to go Galt on this sandwich."5. "Sometimes, even I think I'm completely

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-88868993451768087572010-05-07T14:44:00.003-04:002010-05-07T14:49:57.107-04:00

STUFF THAT ISN'T THE END OF THE WORLD1. That girl totally fucked up your haircut2. Twitter is down3. Your boyfriend is all, like, meh.4. Your girlfriend is being a bitch5. You can't get a 3G signal on your iPhone6. They're making you work late7. The cable is out8. Your cat's being all weird and pukey9. They don't have any brown rice sushi10. No one reads your blogSTUFF THAT IS THE END OF THE

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-57560236719435369342010-02-16T16:24:00.003-05:002010-02-16T16:42:48.873-05:00

THE TO-DO LIST NEARS COMPLETION490. Clean and disinfect TV remote.491. Ask neighbor about the small crack on his driveway; offer suggestions for repair.492. Go through bandana collection; discard worn out bandanas.493. Wash mailbox.494. Investigate the source of that faint humming sound you only hear once or twice each spring when the windows are open.495. Google that one indie director from that

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-83820952877472193602010-01-30T23:15:00.002-05:002010-01-30T23:20:48.866-05:00

HOW TO WATCH TVCreate a new “back story” and make tired old shows interesting again.THE BRADY BUNCH: Mr. Brady’s first wife is named Alice and she lives in a room off the kitchen. No one likes to talk about it.THE DUKES OF HAZZARD: Uncle Jesse is, in fact, reclusive writer J.D. Salinger, whose book, “The Catcher in the Rye,” is considered one of the classic novels of post-war America.FRIENDS:

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-8365757282248557882009-09-28T14:22:00.003-04:002009-09-28T14:27:28.297-04:00

THINGS THAT ARE MORE FUN IN MOVIES AND ON TV THAN THEY ARE IN REAL LIFE10. Bicycling9. Road trips8. Playing Frisbee7. Music festivals6. The company softball team5. Dinner parties4. Dive bars3. Space travel2. Florida1. The Internet

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-89674611284294393702009-07-15T18:30:00.004-04:002009-07-15T18:39:10.877-04:00

BOILING IT ALL DOWN1. Grilled cheese sandwiches2. Baseball3. Stuff made out of Legos4. My new iPhone5. Getting 8 hours of sleep6. The New Yorker7. Having money in the bank8. Chicago (the city, not the band)9. Elizabeth Shue10. The film "High Fidelity"11. R.E.M.12. Abraham Lincoln

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-77665205456475042042009-05-30T13:49:00.002-04:002009-05-30T13:59:18.813-04:00

MISCELLANYHe began to long for the smell of a lived-in kitchen, where kids run around underfoot and the parents slice vegetables and stir simmering pots and check to see if whatever is in the oven is done. The sink is stained with coffee grounds and the walls are flecked with red spots missed by the dishrag as it hurried by on spaghetti night. Empty wine bottles and old newspapers crowd the

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-63414328999669978202009-05-13T17:57:00.002-04:002009-05-13T18:04:47.507-04:00

ASK ABENative Kentuckian and our 16th president Abraham Lincoln offers wisdom on matters both grave and frivolous. I recently caught my boyfriend kissing my sister. I was furious! But they both say they are sorry, and it would make life a lot easier if I forgave her and took him back. What should I do?When the Civil War ended, it was important that we, as victors, not use the opportunity to mete

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-73558627350410286542009-05-07T11:21:00.002-04:002009-05-07T11:28:25.391-04:00

FIVE THINGS THAT I JUST CAN'T GET USED TO EVEN THOUGH I HAVE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME1. Years that start with 20-- instead of 19--2. The fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger is governor of California3. Having to go to work every day4. R.E.M. without drummer Bill Berry5. Buying things on the Internet

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-54558910495205386302009-05-01T13:28:00.001-04:002009-05-01T13:28:40.269-04:00

FIVE REDEEMING QUALITIES OF THE KENTUCKY DERBYThe first few years, it was a novelty. Over the next 100, it became a tradition. The last 35, it has started to feel like an obligation. Because even Mardi Gras would become a drag if you lived in the French Quarter. Let’s step back a bit and remind ourselves why we should care about this.1. IT’S NOT LIKE OTHER SPORTS. It’s a tiny man strapped to a

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-78562951061787764102009-04-28T15:03:00.002-04:002009-04-28T15:08:38.083-04:00

NATIONS THAT I WAS MILDLY SURPRISED TO DISCOVER HAVE FULLY FUNCTIONING AIR FORCES1. Qatar2. Singapore3. Honduras4. Belgium5. Togo

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-62913447314842682312009-04-19T12:59:00.002-04:002009-04-19T13:00:25.781-04:00

FIVE NICKNAMES GIVEN TO ME BY HOMELESS GENTLEMEN01. Big Guy02. Big Fella03. Big Man04. Mister Big05. Big Dawg

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-79072586725663136572009-01-29T17:36:00.002-05:002009-01-29T17:47:37.391-05:00

ASK ABEI occasionally write an advice column for Velocity magazine under the guise of President Abraham Lincoln. Some people know this, some don't. Here are a few recent columns.This snow is a real headache! I was a half hour late for work this morning because of it. Do you have any tips for coping with the snow and ice?Verily, a wintry day can be a trial for the unprepared citizenry. When I was

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-51517105843333636722009-01-08T20:09:00.005-05:002009-01-08T20:31:14.804-05:00

THE 25 PEOPLE YOU ALWAYS SEE AT THE YMCA1. The guy who works out a little too vigorously on the elliptical machine2. The guy who seems to be barely moving on the elliptical machine3. The cute girl with all the tattoos4. The really, really hairy guy5. The woman who is always there but never seems to lose any weight6. The janitor who quietly loathes all the yuppies who never wipe down the machines7

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-43522657052517714992008-12-18T14:24:00.002-05:002008-12-18T15:36:18.253-05:00

RANDOM LINES FROM WIKIPEDIA01. "When young he would often make his own puppet theater to amuse himself."02. "Controversy arose when it was claimed that Heather had tried to sleep with Vanilla Ice during the filming of another VH1 reality show, 'The Surreal Life: Fame Games'."03. "He recorded watersounds from a bucket of water and played sounds on a homemade bamboo flute."04. "Prince Bernhard von

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-34194425017521883322008-12-02T13:58:00.001-05:002008-12-25T23:06:08.254-05:00

CAPTIONS FOR NEW YORKER CARTOONS THAT HAVE YET TO BE DRAWN: A FREE SERVICE01. "That's the last time I ever open my mouth in a meeting."02. "When I said 'Sell everything,' I didn't mean everything."03. "But honey, Obama said the country needs to become more unified."04. "I'm resigning to spend more time with my Second Life family."05. "He's not a guide dog, per se, but he does know a lot about art

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-53163740185526754512008-11-29T13:00:00.001-05:002008-11-29T13:39:17.974-05:00

CELEBRITY LAST NAMES THAT COULD BE CONFUSED FOR AN OBSCURE SPECIES OF PLANT OR ANIMAL01. Wopat02. Sambora03. Bakula04. Dratch05. Grohl06. Kutcher07. Stipe08. Dench

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-10609536054692951642008-10-31T12:35:00.000-04:002008-10-31T13:00:39.905-04:00

RACE HORSE NAMES TO STEER CLEAR OF SHOULD YOU FIND YOURSELF IN THE MIDST OF A FEDERAL CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION1. Tax Cheat2. Osama's Pal3. Offshore Account4. Daddy's Little Meth Lab5. Bail Jumper6. Shesburiedinthecellar

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-3798674190700031722008-10-14T02:22:00.000-04:002008-10-14T02:28:23.179-04:00

WORDS AND PHRASES THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO APPEAR IN YOUR OBITUARY1. "treasonous"2. "gambling debts"3. "oft-divorced"4. "drunken"5. "imprisoned several times"6. "his good friend, O.J. Simpson"7. "dog killer"8. "sought by the government"9. "doughy"10. "dismembered and lying in a ditch"

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-90617888057989979822008-10-01T18:35:00.006-04:002008-10-01T19:48:25.714-04:00

CREATIVE WRITING EXERCISESFall 2008Instructor: NordLength: 300 words eachDue: Tuesday, October 71. Imagine that there is no such thing as a garbage can. You must carry all your refuse in a bag, that can only be emptied once a week down at the town hall. What would that be like? Weird, I bet.2. A man with an eye patch and hook for a hand sits down at the bar next to you. He has an amazing story to

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-81754690759961158952008-08-29T12:09:00.001-04:002008-09-01T13:18:32.947-04:00

MOVIES THAT WOULD MAKE FOR EXCELLENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING PROGRAMS, BASED ON A RECENT AFTERNOON SPENT WATCHING "REMEMBER THE TITANS" WITH 25 CO-WORKERS IN A CONFERENCE ROOM AT THE COMPANY WHERE I AM EMPLOYED.1. "Sink or Swim: What 'Titanic' Teaches Us About Teamwork"2. "No One Is Indispensable: Management Lessons from 'Schindler's List' "3. "Run (insert your name here), Run! Motivating Employees

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-42493909716563553422008-06-18T09:46:00.002-04:002008-06-18T20:18:11.398-04:00

POPULAR FILMS AND THEIR TITLES IF THEY WERE ACTUALLY 1970s SITCOMS1. "That Sinking Feeling" ("Titanic")2. "Rap It Up" ("8 Mile")3. "Checking In" ("Psycho")4. "Knocked Out" ("Raging Bull")5. "Who's Da Boss?" ("The Godfather")6. "Up the River" ("Apocalypse Now")7. "Daddy's Boy" ("The Passion of the Christ")8. "Working It Out" ("Schindler's List")9. "Driving Me Crazy" ("Taxi Driver")10. "Boy, Oh Boy

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-25803252790542919042008-05-24T15:18:00.000-04:002008-05-24T15:23:28.264-04:00

21 THINGS ABOUT 21 PEOPLENUMBER 5"Tell me a story" she saidBut I couldn't think of oneSo we lay therein silence

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-54175147642301996892008-04-28T12:10:00.000-04:002008-04-28T12:37:55.262-04:00

KENTUCKY DERBY MIXTAPE"The Race Is On," George Jones"Dead Flowers," The Rolling Stones"Central Avenue," Love Jones"Mustang Sally," Wilson Pickett"Run Dusty Run," The Long Ryders"A Horse With No Name," America"Stewball," Peter, Paul & Mary"Don't Run Wild," The Del Fuegos"Fugue for Tinhorns," Frank Sinatra"Back in the Saddle Again," Gene Autry"The Bottom Line," Big Audio Dynamite"One Mint Julep,"

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-83595467520107160292008-04-23T19:51:00.000-04:002008-05-28T11:24:07.706-04:00

DEBUNKED!SEVEN MYTHS ABOUT JOHN MCCAIN1. He did not invent the sawhorse.2. He does not subsist on a diet consisting entirely of Hot Pockets and Cherry Coke.3. His teeth are not made from whale bone.4. He did not write the original draft of the screenplay for "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom."5. He never dated actress Julia Roberts.6. He cannot tell someone's weight simply by shaking their

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-35876563061478943802008-04-15T18:57:00.001-04:002008-04-16T12:54:59.334-04:00

THINGS I HAVE AGREED TO DO DURING A LONG NIGHT OF DRINKING1. Buy someone's pickup truck2. Take a month-long trip to India3. Quit my job to start an advertising firm with two other guys4. Play in a fantasy baseball league5. Attend a Bruce Hornsby concert6. Move to New York City and start all over7. Paint someone's kitchen8. Adopt a puppy9. Invest in a chain of for-profit haunted houses10. Start a

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-64611442685122451242008-01-26T18:20:00.001-05:002008-12-25T23:06:56.978-05:00

A MAN ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN THE GAME OF RACQUETBALL TO HIS KITTEN, MISTER SNEAKYPANTSOkay, the first thing is the racquet. They have gotten bigger and bigger over the years, but I prefer something medium-sized, because you get better control … No, Mister Sneakypants, NO! -- that’s not a mousy! NO! NO! pay attention to Papa … um, so anyway, you get better control, which is very important when it

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-67585741945370451692008-01-06T16:12:00.000-05:002008-01-06T17:03:38.380-05:00

AN OBSESSIVELY FRUGAL PERSON SITTING NEXT TO YOU AT THE LICENSE BUREAU WANTS TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE MANY PATCHES ON HER JEANSI noticed you're reading the Utne Reader. I'm a big fan, too. Did you know that you can get free copies of magazines from the recycling bin at the library? Yes, they do archive the magazines, but most people don’t know that they get two copies of every issue, and recycle one

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-36764205874469170032007-12-28T18:04:00.000-05:002007-12-28T18:42:37.462-05:00

AN OVERLY TALKATIVE AND SOMEWHAT UN-SELF-AWARE 13-YEAR-OLD BOY DESCRIBES THE FILM "THE NATURAL" TO HIS FATHER DURING A LONG CAR TRIP, CIRCA 1984"I think you would like 'The Natural.' It's about baseball. Robert Redford plays this baseball player who is really good. His name is Roy Hobbes. One time, he, um, strikes out Babe Ruth at a county fair, um, only it's not actually Babe Ruth, but a

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-14188761025258432602007-12-20T16:49:00.000-05:002007-12-21T13:21:01.632-05:00

AM I IN THE MAFIA?In these hectic times, what with work, the kids and your work on the Romney campaign, it's hard to keep everything straight. You misplace your keys, forget to thaw the roast, even forget that you've joined La Cosa Nostra. We can't help you find those keys, but we can help you figure out whether you're, as they say, "mobbed up."Do I wear a pinky ring? 90% chance(Exception: I'm

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-10432365017171292172007-12-16T15:57:00.001-05:002008-11-29T12:57:31.180-05:00

MY LEAST FAVORITE SCENE IN THE 1988 ACTION FILM "DIE HARD"John McClane yelps into his walkie-talkie, alarming the cop on the other end (whose only chracter description in the script was, apparently, "fat and black"), for he believes for a moment that the terrorists have brutally murdered his new friend. Instead, McClane is upset over the fact that a Twinkie he found somewhere in the building has

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-47607101853639222052007-12-14T12:41:00.000-05:002007-12-14T13:41:16.554-05:00

A GIRL YOU MET AT THE COFFEEHOUSE TALKS ABOUT VEGANISMI see you bought the vegan muffin. Are you a vegan? You're trying? Good for you! I remember when I went vegan. I've been vegan since before I was born. Once, my mother pulled me out of daycare when she found out that they accidentally gave me a non-vegan cupcake on Valentine's Day. My mom is sooo awesome! When I was 9, she left me with my

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-48940405784169596602007-12-10T12:03:00.000-05:002007-12-10T12:06:51.027-05:00

YOU ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING AND I THINK I HATE YOU ALREADYI know what lol means. You don't have to put "laugh out loud" in parentheses next to it in your e-mail.

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-36200249067213322532007-12-06T19:36:00.000-05:002007-12-06T19:39:41.453-05:00

ASK ABEDear President Lincoln: The panhandlers in this town are out of control! The other day, one of them yelled at me when I wouldn't give him a dollar. I was so rattled that I couldn't finish my mochaccino. Won't someone please do something to stop this menace?One of the unintended consequences of our glorious, as-God-intended victory in the War Between the States was the flood of

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-54418538560678615032007-11-05T12:57:00.000-05:002007-11-05T13:06:28.403-05:00

21 THINGS ABOUT 21 PEOPLENUMBER 4It's in someone else's handsNowThis old houseThat he rebuiltWatched overPaintedRoofedRepairedUsed stronger wood than neededFor children who never quite appreciatedLike children doHe walks throughTouches the woodworkAdmires the floorsAppreciates the changes not madeTo his handiworkGives his silent approvalAnd closes the door behind him

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-39504263843280245962007-10-31T11:34:00.000-04:002007-10-31T11:35:08.531-04:00

ASK ABEMy wife and I have split up, but I’m convinced that it was a bad idea. How can I patch things up?I know your plight very well, fellow traveler. Lost in the shuffle of history is the fact that Mary once threw me out of the house for a month — we had been arguing over the interpretation of Psalm 131, I recall — and I was forced to win her back. If the cause for your rift is Bible-based, the

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-5507481763557371752007-10-28T14:32:00.000-04:002007-10-29T15:20:57.179-04:00

21 THINGS ABOUT 21 PEOPLENUMBER 3Lying on the floorToo much to drinkOr not enoughShe said let's go to IndiaI said let's just go homeWe went our separate waysinstead

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-42759203666245812362007-10-26T12:00:00.000-04:002007-10-29T15:21:51.490-04:00

PRE-APOCALYPTIC MIXTAPEWaiting for the End of the World, Elvis CostelloAtlantic City, Bruce Springsteen53rd and Third, The RamonesBuick City Complex, Old 97sBad Karma, Warren ZevonBlack Sheets of Rain, Bob MouldRon Klaus Wrecked His House, Big DipperEverything Right Is Wrong Again, They Might Be GiantsFall on Me, R.E.M.Repo Man, Iggy PopWhite Riot, The ClashHurt, Johnny CashThe Night the Lights

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-3433863863338493462007-10-24T17:07:00.000-04:002007-10-24T17:12:22.001-04:00

STUFF THAT I CURRENTLY LOVE BUT WOULD BE INSTANTLY REVULSED BY WERE COMEDIAN DANE COOK TO BEGIN DOING COMMERCIALS TO PROMOTE IT06: Rollercoasters05: Barbecued ribs04: Sex03: Christmas02: Tina Fey01: Democracy

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-67990812911389496242007-10-20T17:13:00.000-04:002007-10-20T17:44:25.323-04:00

ALWAYS HAVE A BACKUP PLANPlan A: Work hard, get big promotion.Plan B: In lieu of promotion, demand reassignment.Plan C: In lieu of reassignment, threaten to quit.Plan D: Quit.Plan E: Call Larry (the one from college) about that job in Phoenix.Plan F: Or was it Jerry?Plan G: Post resume on Jobs.com.Plan H: Work on that novel.Plan I: Make a cocktail to ease writer's block.Plan J: That was great!

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-8514259170043878382007-10-19T11:53:00.000-04:002007-10-19T11:58:46.420-04:00

LIVE AND LEARN05. Discount meatloaf04. Rental furniture03. Dance-punk02. Long Island Iced Tea01. Capitalism

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-48174336753315721702007-10-17T16:59:00.000-04:002007-10-17T17:03:48.124-04:00

21 THINGS ABOUT 21 PEOPLENUMBER 2He had been drinking sinceGod knows when"Thank you for saving my life," he saidI had done no such thingHe hugged meHe smelled like whiskey and cigarettes

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-88677966298223937312007-10-13T11:59:00.000-04:002007-10-13T12:01:51.425-04:00

21 THINGS ABOUT 21 PEOPLENUMBER 1We were in love.Then we weren't.These things happen.She used to put cinnamonin the coffee.Every time I smell cinnamonmy heart breaks a little.

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-74897162867715446262007-09-29T13:35:00.000-04:002007-09-29T13:38:53.678-04:00

ASK ABEDear President Lincoln, I think I may have caught the acting bug. What should I do?Unfortunately, there is no cure for the acting bug. When I was 17, my cousin Randolph caught the acting bug. At that time, the common wisdom was that you could cure the bug by repeatedly immersing the afflicted one in an ice-cold lake or swiftly moving stream, but, alas, it did not work and Randolph

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-45297519741027254912007-09-23T21:19:00.000-04:002007-09-23T21:25:40.532-04:00

LISTSREALLY, IT'S NOTNEARLY AS GOODAS IT SOUNDS06: Footlong hotdog05: Bed and breakfast04: Valuable coupon03: Jazz02: Vice president01: BelgiumTHE SIX DUMBEST THINGSI EVER SAID TO ATTRACTIVEWOMEN I MET IN BARS06: Yes, that seat is taken.05: Aren't you the girl who threw up all over the coats at (blank's) party?04: I'm sorry, I don't like to dance.03: Can I borrow two dollars to buy a beer?02:

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-37124242227986023942007-09-07T16:23:00.000-04:002007-09-07T16:30:16.912-04:00

DOG DAYS OF SUMMER MIXThe District Sleeps Alone Tonight, The Postal ServiceThe River, Bruce SpringsteenGigantic, The PixiesNobody, The ReplacementsSun Gone Down, House of FreaksOverexposure, The FervorI'm Over You, The SilosJohnny Appleseed, Joe Strummer & the MescalerosW.A.N.D., Flaming LipsHarborcoat, R.E.M.Endless Summer, Follow the TrainGet Out of the Pool, Drunken BoatBaby Blue, SF SealsHang

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-83418617604545590012007-09-07T15:46:00.000-04:002007-09-07T15:50:08.971-04:00

AN HONEST-TO-GOD THING I JUST OVERHEARD AT THE COFFEEHOUSEMan No. 1: I think the single greatest ingredient you can use in cooking is love.Man No. 2: I like onions and garlic.Annnnnd scene!

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-7732268186705925822007-09-03T16:48:00.000-04:002007-09-03T16:50:31.393-04:00

POPULAR NASCAR DRIVERS AND THEIRPARALLELS IN FRENCH NEW WAVE CINEMARead my new piece at Cracked.com.

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-14116225413630868942007-08-27T16:53:00.000-04:002007-08-27T16:55:25.330-04:00

ASK ABEI’ve been hearing a lot lately about Bikram, or “hot,” yoga. I am currently doing Pilates three times a week, but would like to try something more intense. What do you think?Nothing refreshes the soul or limbers the body quite like the application of heat. I believe that the Swedes enjoy a good sauna mostly because it serves as a reminder of what’s facing them if they stray off the

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-29796428580383755482007-08-08T17:51:00.000-04:002007-08-08T17:53:40.899-04:00

LESSER-KNOWN IRISHFOLK SONGS"A Stabbing on the Square""Ballad of the Lost Phone Number (Where, O Where, Are You Tonight, Fair Lady?)""Hold Down the Protestant (So I That I May Beat Him)""How Did You Let The Potato Crop Die, You Dumb Son of a Bitch?""I Will Stab You in the Eye If You Touch My Wife Again, O'Malley""Don't Judge Me, Maggie. Don't Fucking Judge Me."

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-51749619834190712252007-08-08T17:10:00.000-04:002007-08-08T17:22:48.344-04:00

ANNOYINGPeople who insist on telling you that the least appealing part of any food, be it an animal or vegetable, is the "best" (i.e. most healthy) part.E.G. "You didn't eat your broccoli stalks? You should. There are more vitamins and minerals in the stalks than the florets. I never eat the florets. I give them to the homeless. I make a delicious broccoli stalk au gratin. And it's completely

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-53514823966777399292007-07-22T23:06:00.000-04:002007-07-23T19:14:39.178-04:00

WATCHING 'THE SIMPSONS' WITH MY FATHER, BOB8 p.m. Sunday(Opening credits appear and "Simpsons" theme plays. Bob enters living room and sits down.)BOB: You know, I don't think I've ever seen this show.(Show opens with Marge, upon the advice of a parenting magazine, deciding to take away Maggie's pacifier. All hell breaks loose.)BOB: mild chuckle(After a series of sight gags involving pacifiers,

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-60497260671018480942007-07-03T15:47:00.000-04:002007-07-03T15:51:51.270-04:00

SUMMERI saw Phildriving a stolen firetruckThe look on his face said"This is it!"And then he was goneOut of June and into July

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-17902392132610637862007-06-22T15:29:00.000-04:002007-06-22T15:55:00.629-04:00

A GUIDE TO CHINESE CHARACTER TATTOOSMillions of people today have chosen to express their individuality with a tattoo. Understandably, many of them have become taken with the elegance and simplicity of a Chinese character tattoo. These tattoos are both attractive to look at and deep in meaning. But which one is right for you? Here are some popular variations:MEANING: "I am a moron."MEANING: "I am

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-72540858192199516472007-06-08T13:49:00.000-04:002007-06-08T13:54:49.100-04:00

WILL OLDHAM SONGS THAT WOULD ALSO WORK AS THE TITLES FOR CHEESY 1980s ACTION-THRILLER FILMS"West Palm Beach""New Partner""Gulf Shores""Disorder""Blood Embrace""Hard Life""Death to Everyone"

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-22096788366425504282007-05-30T19:32:00.000-04:002007-05-30T20:10:08.101-04:00

I GUESS I WILL JUST NEVER UNDERSTAND CHESSAs anyone who considers himself a master of gamesmanship, it is a painful point for me to concede that I may never be skilled artisan of this ancient game of chess. It saddens me to think that those long nights that my father spent teaching me the game -- before he was sent away -- have gone to waste. It is my fault, of course. Terrified of his genius, I

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-39550748775265392182007-05-20T19:34:00.000-04:002007-05-20T19:40:08.376-04:00

THINGS DAVID LEE ROTHMIGHT HAVE BEEN "TALKIN' BOUT" Politics Michael Anthony The meatball sandwich he had for lunch Canada Fashionable footwear The TV program "Alice" A really, really strong case of "like"

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-40623911450775279312007-05-09T16:32:00.000-04:002007-05-09T16:38:15.859-04:00

THE SADDEST LINE IN THE SADDEST SONG EVER WRITTEN"Now all them things that seemed so importantWell, mister, they vanished right into the airNow I just act like I don't rememberMary acts like she don't care"Sigh."The River"

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-15649942700042769592007-04-28T12:38:00.000-04:002007-04-28T13:28:46.161-04:00

JESUS, ETC."Let's put our heads together/And start a new country up." -- R.E.M."For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his soul?" -- Matthew 16:26I've never understood why some of your more conservative folks are so enamored with the New Testament. Have they actually read any of it? Once you get past the coziness of the nativity, it's full of rebellion, a "Common

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-87419008261406615282007-04-13T12:58:00.000-04:002007-04-13T13:22:36.317-04:00

THE DALAI LAMA, BILL GATES AND BONO DISCUSS THE POSSIBILITY OF KATE BECKINSALE APPEARING NUDE IN HER NEXT FILMDALAI LAMA: Someone said that Kate and Luke Wilson have sex in the movie. Personally I don't believe it.BILL GATES: Don't believe it, Kate never gets naked. I respect that about her, too.BONO: Maybe do some research there buddy. She has done nudity. And quite frankly, not a brief flash.

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-34036026854355082822007-04-10T23:58:00.000-04:002007-04-11T00:25:10.166-04:00

SOUP"Does this soup taste 'off' to you? Here. ... Doesn't it taste 'off?' What do I mean by 'off?' You know, 'off.' No, I didn't say it tasted bad. Don't get all upset. I know you spent all summer growing the beans, potatoes, corn, tomatoes, carrots, onions, celery and herbs. I know you raised the chickens used to make the stock and supply it with its meaty goodness. I know you made it from a

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-22732724505204144632007-03-29T02:51:00.000-04:002007-03-29T02:59:23.281-04:00

REASON NO. 318 WHY "PET SOUNDS"BY THE BEACH BOYS IS A SUPERIORRECORD TO THE BEATLES' "SGT. PEPPER"If "Sgt. Pepper" is a really cool happening where all the sophisticated London cats like Peter Sellers and Mick Jagger have come over to get high with Swedish models and listen to the groovy new sounds, then "Pet Sounds" is a kid's birthday party in Thousand Oaks where the clown breaks down and

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-30225580213935875282007-03-29T00:16:00.000-04:002007-03-29T00:38:53.445-04:00

FOR THE TRAVELER:USELESS PHRASES TRANSLATEDINTO FRENCH FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE"Je conviens. Le Président Bush est en grande partie mal compris."("I agree. President Bush is largely misunderstood.")"Le prochain film d' 'Jackass' n'est pas dû jusqu'en 2008."("The next 'Jackass' film isn't due until 2008.")"J'aurai les fishsticks, si'l vous plait."("I'll have the fishsticks, please.")"Avez-vous une

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-12183687654919260312007-03-23T12:59:00.000-04:002007-03-23T13:00:45.988-04:00

DULY NOTEDYour two favorite books can't possibly be "Atlas Shrugged" and "The Jungle." That doesn't make any sense.

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-61685385229549450772007-03-22T13:55:00.000-04:002007-03-22T13:56:05.274-04:00

DULY NOTEDIf you are old enough to smoke, you are too old to be riding that Razor scooter.

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1165896331463136672006-12-11T22:49:00.000-05:002007-03-22T13:56:37.733-04:00

IRRATIONAL EXUBERANCE"The checkout kid only rang up one of my yogurts.""It's a $9 wine, but it tastes like a $15 wine.""Did you hear? Billy Corgan's got a new band.""They just opened a KFC that's closer to my house than the old one.""I only paid 50 cents for these slacks!""Our band got written up in the local alt-weekly.""I don't have to worry about renewing my license plates for another whole

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1163111631494646462006-11-09T17:33:00.000-05:002006-11-09T17:39:45.196-05:00

DEAR BLUE OYSTER CULTDear Blue Oyster Cult:I drive a 1978 Ford Fairmont with 167,000 miles on it. I have to constantly pour oil into it and it gets crappy mileage. I need a new car, but I am buried in credit card bills and college debt. My dad says he'll buy me a decent used car, but I know he is only offering to do it because he wants something to hold over me. He is a real jerk. What should I

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1152645571702631962006-07-11T15:19:00.000-04:002006-07-11T17:19:43.070-04:00

A MEMBER OF AN APOCALYPTIC DEATH CULTINQUIRES ABOUT A NEW MATTRESS"Hello... Is this Mattress Mike's? Great. Listen, I see that you are advertising a queen set that is guaranteed to last 15 years, but I sorta have a special request. It's religious in nature. Am I a member of the Hasidim? Oh, no. But I must applaud your apparent interest in world religions. No, I belong to an offshoot of the

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1151783009892870462006-07-01T15:10:00.000-04:002006-07-03T16:03:05.766-04:00

A HIPPIE YOU JUST MET AT THE COFFEEHOUSE TRIES TO CONVINCE YOU NOT TO USE YOUR AIR-CONDITIONER."Do you know how much energy an air-conditioner uses? I don't know either, but I know it's a lot. Like, you could run an entire South American village for four days on the power that a window air-conditioner uses in, like, an hour. Seriously. Have you ever walked by one of those things when it was

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1149273961042710512006-06-02T14:45:00.000-04:002006-06-02T20:16:29.220-04:00

THINGS A HAMSTER THINKS AS HE IS BEING DEVOURED BY A SNAKE10. Snakes look much the same on the inside as they do on the outside.9. I wonder what I taste like?8. That's odd. Wikipedia said this type of snake was an herbivore.7. This is sooo punk rock.6. I totally forgot to return Glenn's "Freaks & Geeks" DVD.5. It's true: In the end, it really doesn't matter who you vote for.4. "And when he shall

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1148421745728096222006-05-23T17:48:00.000-04:002006-05-23T18:02:27.166-04:00

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF MY FATHER, BOB10. Thou shalt not sit on the edge of the bed, for it can damage the mattress.9. Thou shalt not discuss politics at the dinner table, for it makes Bob angry.8. Thou shalt not watch TV in the dark, for it strains the eyes.7. Thou shalt not borrow Bob's power tools, especially if you are the clumsy son.6. Thou shalt always eat meat with a starch, be it a potato

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1147296827490433762006-05-10T17:13:00.000-04:002006-05-10T17:37:08.826-04:00

HOW TO BE ANNOYING1. Insist on informing your neighbors of your plans every time you leave the house. Demand that they do the same -- "For safety."2. In addition to using your turn signal, honk your honk steadily until you have completed the turn.3. Stand on your front porch and guess the weight of passersby with a bullhorn.4. At the gym, ask complete strangers to "spot" you while you are walking

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1138911988010204782006-02-02T15:25:00.000-05:002006-02-04T15:40:09.386-05:00

LESSER-KNOWN HYMNS"What's In It For Me, Jesus?""O Come, O Come Emmanuel Lewis""Be Not Afraid, Although It’s Okay to Be Kind of Nervous""I Am Your Servant, O Lord, Except for the Part About Pre-Marital Sex""Bringing In The Mail""Go, Tell It On Your Blog""Amazing Will & Grace""My Jesus, I Love Thee (But I’m Just Not Ready to Commit)"

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1128886483639517962005-10-09T15:25:00.000-04:002005-10-09T15:34:45.250-04:00

NINE MYTHS ABOUT NASCAR1. NASCAR promotes family values: In 2002, the wife of racing legend Jeff Gordon filed for divorce, citing “marital misconduct.” When the alleged “other woman” began speaking publicly about her affair with Gordon, the four-time NASCAR champion never specifically denied the allegations. 2. It values fair play: In 1990, driver Mark Martin was poised to win the Winston Cup

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1126468682192318722005-09-11T15:55:00.000-04:002005-09-11T18:44:59.870-04:00

THE SUM OF ALL FEARSCurrent anxieties, catalogued:· Terrorism· Global warming· Creeping religious fascism· Corporate control of the media· I've gained too much weight to wear these pants· I don’t get to the gym as much as I should· The war in Iraq· Unemployment· Meeting women· Hurricanes· We’re running out of oil· That people will think I’m dumb· That people will think I’m too smart· A fire in my

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1123960347152622642005-08-13T14:04:00.000-04:002005-08-14T21:51:51.270-04:00

A TRUCKSTOP RESTROOM AIR FRESHENER RESPONDSTO HIS CRITICSLately, the public has been starting to question my effectiveness as a restroom air freshener. Last night, for example, a man with "Denise 4 Ever" tattooed on his upper arm and (apparently) a serious gastro-intestinal disorder beat on my plastic casing and cursed at my inability to make the restroom here at Sally's I-40 Super Gas 'n' More

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1121541869542648412005-07-16T14:22:00.000-04:002005-07-20T17:51:00.256-04:00

JESUS OF NAZARETH, SCRIPT DOCTOR"Marlo Garrett just wanted to be able to watch a movie with her kids. Something besides 'The Sound of Music' or 'SpongeBob SquarePants.' ... Instead of feeling alienated, Garrett and her husband, Ron, sensed a business opportunity. They started Clean Cut Cinemas, a service that strips popular films of profanity, sex, nudity, excessive violence, illegal drug use and

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1120843068652232372005-07-08T13:16:00.000-04:002005-07-12T12:39:11.146-04:00

"We are not afraid."

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1120658673554994782005-07-06T09:50:00.000-04:002005-07-06T18:30:41.833-04:00

UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTIONS ABOUT"THIS OLD HOUSE"06: It is appropriate, when children are dying of hunger in Darfur, to pay $25,000 for a stove?05: Do any of those roofers have their green cards? Seriously. Do any of them?04: Is it really historic preservation when you turn an old horse barn into a 21st-century multi-media entertainment center?03: When Norm Abram and Bob Vila see each other at Le

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1118511921510043532005-06-11T13:37:00.000-04:002005-06-11T13:56:46.486-04:00

ASK THE GREAT EMANCIPATOROur 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, offers advice on matters both grave and frivolous. (Note: While he is an attorney, President Lincoln is not a licensed therapist.)Dear Mr. Lincoln,There's a guy at work who has terrible B.O., but we're too embarrassed to say anything to him. What should we do?During my first term in the legislature, there was a fella there whose odor

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1117902467105631112005-06-04T12:27:00.000-04:002005-06-04T12:34:15.220-04:00

GIGANTICI have fond memories of the Pixies song "Gigantic," which is unusual, I think, given that the song is, as best I can tell, about two strangers f--king in a public park. But I didn't know that at the time these fond memories were being brewed. It was the summer of 1992, and my brother, Andrew, as he was wont to do at the time, had sent me a cassette tape containing songs that he felt I

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1117475287189258672005-05-30T13:33:00.000-04:002005-05-30T13:50:06.716-04:00

HOW I CAN TELL THAT MY FATHER,BOB, IS NOT THE FAMOUS INVENTORAND STATESMAN BENJAMIN FRANKLIN06: Perhaps most obvious, my father does not respond when I shout "Ben!" or "Hey, Mr. Franklin!"05: Ben Franklin was born in 1706 and died in 1790; Bob was born in 1928 and is still very much alive.04: Franklin's expertise was in electric conduction and metallurgy. Bob is more of a structural engineer.03:

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1113358972096245192005-04-12T22:17:00.000-04:002005-04-12T22:22:52.096-04:00

HE'S GOT TROUBLES: SEVERALWAYS THAT TIGER WOODS ISJUST LIKE YOU AND ME06: A paid spokesman for Buick, Tiger receives an unlimited supply of the automaker’s cars. But he is conflicted, as his car of preference is a Mercedes-Benz.05: Like many Americans, Tiger has trouble learning foreign languages. This has frustrated his efforts to learn Swedish, the native tongue of his wife, lingerie model Elin

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1113158918463453872005-04-10T14:47:00.000-04:002005-04-10T14:48:38.463-04:00

AREAS IN WHICH I MUSTRELUCTANTLY AGREE WITHTHE CHRISTIAN RIGHT06: “Desperate Housewives” is vastly overrated.05: John McCain is kind of a phony.04: Air America isn’t going to solve anything.03: Nudity in a film is rarely integral to telling the story.02: Most popular music today is unlistenable.01: Dan Rather is crazier than a New Orleans drag queen with a bipolar disorder.

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1112840402423832812005-04-06T22:13:00.000-04:002005-04-06T22:20:02.423-04:00

WORDS THAT YOU LIKELY WOULDNEVER SEE OR HEAR AGAIN WERESOME KIND OF SEA MONSTER TORISE UP FROM THE EAST RIVERAND DEVOUR THE ENTIRE STAFFOF THE NEW YORKER06: Ineffable05: Disputatious04: Nonplussed03: Eschew02: Mien01: Execrable

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1111162650953916222005-03-18T11:07:00.000-05:002005-03-18T11:19:21.346-05:00

LESSER-KNOWN IRISHFOLK SONGS06: "A Stabbing on the Square"05: "Ballad of the Lost Phone Number (Where, O Where, Are You Tonight, Hot Chick?)"04: "Hold Down the Protestant (So I Can Beat Him)"03: "How Did You Let The Potato Crop Die, You Dumb Son of a Bitch?"02: "I Will Stab You in the Eye If You Touch My Wife Again, O'Malley"01: "Don't Judge Me, Maggie. Don't Fucking Judge Me."

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1111104316875040012005-03-17T18:59:00.000-05:002005-03-17T19:05:16.876-05:00

TOPICS ABOUT WHICH MY FATHER,BOB, IS CONVINCED THAT I AM WOEFULLY MISINFORMED06: Politics05: Vehicle maintenance04: Home ownership03: The weather02: Financial planning01: All that crap in the basement that I refuse to believe belongs to me, and thus will not clear out of there so he can sell the house and move to a patio home.

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1109225967965757412005-02-24T00:35:00.000-05:002005-03-02T12:09:52.196-05:00

SIX FILMS THAT WOULD NOT HAVEWORKED HAD MY FATHER, BOB, BEENONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS06: Citizen Kane: "A newspaper? Why the hell would I want to own a newspaper? This new outfit called International Business Machines looks like a much safer investment."05: Star Wars: "Look, I don't care what the robot says about some damned princess. I gotta get back to the house because that bookshelf isn't

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1106359140059267822005-01-21T20:57:00.000-05:002005-01-21T20:59:00.060-05:00

THE BEST BARTENDER IN THE WORLD Hot sweat Dented forehead Asleep in my clothes Jimmy pours drinks Like he's trying to kill me

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1105488759992160452005-01-11T19:04:00.000-05:002005-01-11T19:12:39.993-05:00

WOULDN'T IT BE NICE... 06: www.HotChicksWhoWillDateChubbyGuys.com 05: A 24-hour pizza delivery company that accepts IOUs. 04: Finding a magical whiskey spigot in your cellar. 03: The power to subpoena elected officials and corporate titans. 02: A car that runs on cheap generic flour from the Kroghetto. 01: "My name is Ashlee Simpson, and I'll be your waitress..."

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1105400463806979972005-01-10T18:36:00.000-05:002007-01-12T00:37:19.996-05:00

THE THINGS I DON'T TELL HER ANYMOREI told her thatI like to drivein the rain withthe windshield wipers off"It's like I'm drivingthrough an old French painting"She shrugged but didn't look up from her magazine"You're going to get yourself killed"That's when I decided tostop telling herthings

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1104703515416027662005-01-02T16:57:00.000-05:002005-01-02T17:05:15.416-05:00

IN THE CITY NO ONE CARES They dragged a woman out of the bar last night Speaking Spanish and laughing and flailing as they pulled her to the door The drinkers barely looked up from their drinks I asked Beanie why they threw her out "The usual shit," he said I don't know what the usual shit is but I don't think he felt like explaining The truth is I was only making conversation I already

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1104534144277192872004-12-31T18:02:00.000-05:002004-12-31T18:02:24.276-05:00

THANKS! Thank you. Thank you for putting that car battery in the gutter near my house. It was something that the neighborhood was really calling out for. I can't tell you how many times I called my alderman, asking him when he was going to get a greasy, leaking, used car battery for our block. But you stepped up. You didn't sit around waiting for the government to fix the problem. You made it

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1102655231250949202004-12-09T23:57:00.000-05:002004-12-10T00:16:27.393-05:00

I KNOW YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME NOW, BUT TRUST ME -- SOMEDAY YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET THIS 06: That face tattoo 05: That Hustler spread 04: That blog you started 03: That bar you invested in 02: That time you gave away your original copy of "Meet the Beatles" to that girl who will dump you. (Oh yes, she will dump you.) 01: "Jersey Girl"

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1102627163004294312004-12-09T16:11:00.000-05:002004-12-09T16:19:23.006-05:00

NOTES ON THE FILM "LOVE ACTUALLY" 06: The British prime minister appears to be more like a big city mayor than the U.S. president. 05: Only an asshole would cheat on Emma Thompson. 04: Christmas is a much bigger deal in England than it is here. 03: Kiera Knightley. Holy shit! I mean, holy shit! You know what I'm talkin' about ... 02: It's true: American girls really will do just about anything

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1102535647540020652004-12-08T14:38:00.000-05:002004-12-08T14:54:07.540-05:00

I DARE YOU! 06: www.antsdevouringababy.com 05: www.obesegirlsgonewild.com 04: www.monkeysandgoatsfucking.com 03: www.guysgettinghitinthenuts.com 02: www.reallyinfectedwounds.com 01: www.paulyshore.com

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1102451227957918742004-12-07T15:19:00.000-05:002004-12-07T15:27:07.956-05:00

THINGS THAT DON'T MAKE ME AS ATTRACTIVE TO THE OPPOSITE SEX NEARLY AS MUCH AS I WANT TO THINK THEY DO 06: My fantastic record collection 05: I drive a clean and well-maintained Volkswagen Jetta 04: That cool cowboy shirt I found at Target 03: I'm really good at crossword puzzles 02: I have read a lot of books -- respectable books, not just Stephen King 01: My spotless criminal record and

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1101410347357809072004-11-25T14:08:00.000-05:002004-11-25T14:19:07.356-05:00

REJECTED SLOGANS 06: Ford Trucks: Don't be such a pussy. 05: Folger's Coffee: This shit is goooood. 04: TGI Friday's: You like this, bitch? You like this? I thought so. 03: Wal-Mart: Fo-Shizzle 02: BMW: You'll get more ass than a proctologist. 01: Citibank: Fuckin-A right!

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-818066.post-1098074615828502162004-10-18T01:24:00.000-04:002004-10-18T00:43:35.826-04:00

MYTHS I AM TRYING TO POPULARIZE 06: Julia Roberts is fluent in seven languages. 05: The martini is named for Dean Martin. 04: Ripe tomatoes, used as a facial scrub, cure acne. 03: Woodrow Wilson invented the electric hair dryer. 02: Beavers can be taught sign language. 01: George W. Bush and Iggy Popp went to summer camp together.

Thomas Nordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05495106438540173578noreply@blogger.com0