A MEMBER OF AN APOCALYPTIC DEATH CULT
INQUIRES ABOUT A NEW MATTRESS
"Hello... Is this Mattress Mike's? Great. Listen, I see that you are advertising a queen set that is guaranteed to last 15 years, but I sorta have a special request. It's religious in nature. Am I a member of the Hasidim? Oh, no. But I must applaud your apparent interest in world religions. No, I belong to an offshoot of the Pentecostalist Church. Very small. We meet in the basement of the Orange Park Strike & Spare on Tuesday nights, if you're interested. Anyhoo, I need a new mattress, but to be honest, I just don't need one that will last 15 years. This sounds silly, but do you have anything, um, less durable? I know, I know. It's weird. No? It isn't? Well aren't you nice! Okay, basically, what I'm looking for is something in the five-year range. You see, the prophecies clearly state that on Nov. 1, 2011... Oh, will you listen to me rambling on? Sorry. I'll cut to the chase: The mattress that was given to me by the Old Wise One ... Him? Oh, he's like a pastor, I guess. Anyway, the mattress that I currently sleep on is about shot. The springs are starting to come through, there are a few bloodstains on it... Pardon? I'm not sure. They were there when I got it. Bottom line is that I need a new mattress. Sure, if the world were ending in, say, a year, I guess I could tough it out. But like I said -- 2011. My back hurts just thinking about that. On the other hand, it's just plain silly to shell out $700 for something that's supposed to last 15 years when I only need it for five, tops. Do you see my quandary? Gently used? Tell me more... No, I never realized that the top hotels change out their mattresses every two years. So what are we talking here? $350? Would you settle for $300? Great. May the blessings of Cecil the Omnipotent fall upon you and... Him? He's sort of a Buddha-like figure for us. He wrote the Six Sacred Books of Abilene... Never heard of them? No worries. I get that a lot. So anyway, regarding delivery, our compound is out by the old tuberculosis hospital. You'll have to drop it off at the gate, but there'll be someone to meet you... Great. Now, payment. Are you familiar with the barter system? You are? Wow. To be honest, I'm always surprised when people say yes. I gotta tell you -- you are a really good mattress salesman. Anyway, we consider accumulation of wealth to be sinful and, given the impending, um, "situation," kind of a waste anyway. So, just thinking outside the box here, but how would your manager feel if I offered you payment in the form of 45 pounds of the finest rattlesnake meat available? It's 30 percent leaner than chicken and has twice the antioxidants of tuna... People are already talking like it's the new ostrich meat... Hello? Hello?"
INQUIRES ABOUT A NEW MATTRESS
"Hello... Is this Mattress Mike's? Great. Listen, I see that you are advertising a queen set that is guaranteed to last 15 years, but I sorta have a special request. It's religious in nature. Am I a member of the Hasidim? Oh, no. But I must applaud your apparent interest in world religions. No, I belong to an offshoot of the Pentecostalist Church. Very small. We meet in the basement of the Orange Park Strike & Spare on Tuesday nights, if you're interested. Anyhoo, I need a new mattress, but to be honest, I just don't need one that will last 15 years. This sounds silly, but do you have anything, um, less durable? I know, I know. It's weird. No? It isn't? Well aren't you nice! Okay, basically, what I'm looking for is something in the five-year range. You see, the prophecies clearly state that on Nov. 1, 2011... Oh, will you listen to me rambling on? Sorry. I'll cut to the chase: The mattress that was given to me by the Old Wise One ... Him? Oh, he's like a pastor, I guess. Anyway, the mattress that I currently sleep on is about shot. The springs are starting to come through, there are a few bloodstains on it... Pardon? I'm not sure. They were there when I got it. Bottom line is that I need a new mattress. Sure, if the world were ending in, say, a year, I guess I could tough it out. But like I said -- 2011. My back hurts just thinking about that. On the other hand, it's just plain silly to shell out $700 for something that's supposed to last 15 years when I only need it for five, tops. Do you see my quandary? Gently used? Tell me more... No, I never realized that the top hotels change out their mattresses every two years. So what are we talking here? $350? Would you settle for $300? Great. May the blessings of Cecil the Omnipotent fall upon you and... Him? He's sort of a Buddha-like figure for us. He wrote the Six Sacred Books of Abilene... Never heard of them? No worries. I get that a lot. So anyway, regarding delivery, our compound is out by the old tuberculosis hospital. You'll have to drop it off at the gate, but there'll be someone to meet you... Great. Now, payment. Are you familiar with the barter system? You are? Wow. To be honest, I'm always surprised when people say yes. I gotta tell you -- you are a really good mattress salesman. Anyway, we consider accumulation of wealth to be sinful and, given the impending, um, "situation," kind of a waste anyway. So, just thinking outside the box here, but how would your manager feel if I offered you payment in the form of 45 pounds of the finest rattlesnake meat available? It's 30 percent leaner than chicken and has twice the antioxidants of tuna... People are already talking like it's the new ostrich meat... Hello? Hello?"
posted at 3:19 PM
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