BOILING IT ALL DOWN

1. Grilled cheese sandwiches
2. Baseball
3. Stuff made out of Legos
4. My new iPhone
5. Getting 8 hours of sleep
6. The New Yorker
7. Having money in the bank
8. Chicago (the city, not the band)
9. Elizabeth Shue
10. The film "High Fidelity"
11. R.E.M.
12. Abraham Lincoln

MISCELLANY
He began to long for the smell of a lived-in kitchen, where kids run around underfoot and the parents slice vegetables and stir simmering pots and check to see if whatever is in the oven is done. The sink is stained with coffee grounds and the walls are flecked with red spots missed by the dishrag as it hurried by on spaghetti night. Empty wine bottles and old newspapers crowd the recycling bin and the room smells vaguely of overripe fruit and vegetables -- not offensive at all, but organic, earthy, natural. His own kitchen smelled of nothing, was neutral. When he did cook, which was rare, he meticulously wiped down the counter tops, backsplash and sink. He sweeps often, has no children and takes out the garbage every night. He resided in his home, but he did not live there.

ASK ABE

Native Kentuckian and our 16th president Abraham Lincoln offers wisdom on matters both grave and frivolous.

I recently caught my boyfriend kissing my sister. I was furious! But they both say they are sorry, and it would make life a lot easier if I forgave her and took him back. What should I do?
When the Civil War ended, it was important that we, as victors, not use the opportunity to mete out vengeful retribution on the traitors, double-crossers and assorted scalawags who fought for the secessionist cause. On the other hand, the song did mention something about a “terrible swift sword,” so one shouldn't get all huggy just yet. Don't look at this as mending fences so much as an opportunity to put the squeeze on. Let him know that Chili's and movie will not longer do it for a Saturday date. Inform her that your laundry will be by the back door every Friday and that your dress shirts take light starch. Tell him that you will be e-mailing your grocery list to him on Wednesday and that you don't like generic brands. Let her know that her favorite pair of Jimmy Choos will now be residing in your closet. They will probably transgress again — odds are almost certain of that — which is why you need to make hay while the sun shines.

Why is Dick Cheney still on my television all the time? Shouldn't he be off playing golf with Dan Quayle?
Traditionally, a vice president is to be forgotten as soon as his successor is sworn in. Good men like Hannibal Hamlin and Schuyler Colfax went off to do whatever the hell it is they did and everyone moved on. Then that Gore fellow went and ruined everything by talking about the angry sun gods all the time, and as usual for a Democrat, his good intentions opened the door for all sorts of tomfoolery. This Cheney fella is whip-smart and angry as a wet cat, and none too fond of Mr. Obama. But one can hardly fault him for speaking ill of his successors when, it seems, someone is always standing nearby with a microphone. One senses he would be ranting loudly no matter the audience, be it a ravenous press corps or his befuddled grandchildren.

FIVE THINGS THAT I JUST CAN'T GET USED TO EVEN THOUGH I HAVE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME

1. Years that start with 20-- instead of 19--
2. The fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger is governor of California
3. Having to go to work every day
4. R.E.M. without drummer Bill Berry
5. Buying things on the Internet

FIVE REDEEMING QUALITIES OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY

The first few years, it was a novelty. Over the next 100, it became a tradition. The last 35, it has started to feel like an obligation. Because even Mardi Gras would become a drag if you lived in the French Quarter. Let’s step back a bit and remind ourselves why we should care about this.

1. IT’S NOT LIKE OTHER SPORTS. It’s a tiny man strapped to a half-ton animal running like hell around a dirt track. The main player -- the horse -- has no idea what is going on. The basics of the sport have remained unchanged since its beginnings. (For comparison purposes, consider the difference between baseball in 1875 and baseball today.) And since it only lasts two minutes, it’s impossible to get bored with it.

2. IT’S REALLY OLD. The first Derby was in 1875, just 10 years after the end of the Civil War, but before the light bulb, the car and indoor plumbing. Given how our disposable culture tends to, well, dispose of things after a while, it’s remarkable for something to continue on for 135 years, on this scale. So we keep doing it.

3. IT HAS AN OFFICIAL ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE. That beverage is the mint julep, which is bourbon, sugar water, mint leaves and crushed ice, and is so difficult to make that most people will never know what a good one tastes like. But they will drink the bad ones anyway, because after two or three, you can’t tell the difference.

4. IT’S A FONT OF ARCANE TRIVIA. Did you know that the jockeys used to wear spurs? Did you know that the grandstand once caught on fire on Derby Day? Did you know that the Derby is mentioned in a Rolling Stones song? Did you know that all the horses are related? Did you know that Secretariat’s heart was more than twice as large as a normal horse’s?

5. IT’S JUST A BIG DUMB THING. Women who never wear hats wear them to Derby. Steamboats race down the river to claim a pair of antlers. Arab sheikhs fly into town in private 747s. Kid Rock always comes, but he seems less like a rock star than like a wacky cousin you only see once a year. The race used to be longer, but they shortened it years ago, confirming what most of us have long suspected, which is that the Derby is the only major sporting event where the goal is to spend the least amount of time possible actually watching someone engage in sports.

NATIONS THAT I WAS MILDLY SURPRISED TO DISCOVER HAVE FULLY FUNCTIONING AIR FORCES

1. Qatar
2. Singapore
3. Honduras
4. Belgium
5. Togo

FIVE NICKNAMES GIVEN TO ME BY HOMELESS GENTLEMEN

01. Big Guy
02. Big Fella
03. Big Man
04. Mister Big
05. Big Dawg

ASK ABE
I occasionally write an advice column for Velocity magazine under the guise of President Abraham Lincoln. Some people know this, some don't. Here are a few recent columns.

This snow is a real headache! I was a half hour late for work this morning because of it. Do you have any tips for coping with the snow and ice?
Verily, a wintry day can be a trial for the unprepared citizenry. When I was 8, a great blizzard struck, shutting down all commerce from Rockport Junction to Buffaloville. The wife of the man who owned the farm next to us, a drunkard known for binging on bark juice, came to us in a fury, seeking our help with her boy, who was stricken with influenza. My father and I set out for Gentryville in the wagon to fetch a doctor. It took the better part of two days, but we made it. Sadly, the boy had passed by the time we returned with the doc. Meanwhile, father caught such chill that he wasn't fully recovered until summer. So I understand what you're going through. I suggest that you invest in a good ice scraper and a big cup of shut the hell up.

My wife and I just came into some money. She wants to save it, but I say we should go ahead and splurge. What would you do?
In times like these, the urge is strong to take all your money out of the bank and bury it in an old pickle jar out by the shed. When all your friends are using coupons to buy luncheon meat, one knows that there is trouble in the economic system. But I say spend the money now. No sense walking around with cash in your pocket but a gloom in your soul. Besides, better to convert that money into a tangible good while our currency is still worth something. You'll thank yourself six months from now when you're bartering that fancy phonograph player for some dried soup beans.

Land of Lincoln? It's more like Land of Stinkin' How can you sit there and watch these clowns ruin your state's reputation?
Let me first just say that not only do I not know Gov. Blagojevich, I can't even pronounce his name. Har! Good stuff. I offered that rejoinder to the Obama people, but they have not responded to my e-mail. But in all seriousness, these shenanigans are hardly a new invention. Trust me, politicians have been up to no good since Augustus Caesar. It's been said that I lost the the senate race in 1858 due to the timely delivery of six cases of Scotch whiskey to a group of undecided voters on election day. And the only honest election Millard Fillmore ever won was the race for junior class treasurer (though I personally had my doubts). This, too, will pass, and before you know it, Illinois will have a whole new governor under federal investigation.

Everyone's getting a bailout these days. When is someone going to bail me out?
Nothing pinches my suspenders more than the thought of some robber baron getting a free ride on the public's dime. We're sending these mountebanks railcars full of greenbacks when we should be putting them on trial for malfeasance, misfeasance and any other kind of feasance you can think of. This nation survived a civil war -- we can live without this thing you call Citibank, whatever the hell that is. When I was in my first term, it was discovered that the president of the First Bank of Schenectady had misappropriated an entire month's deposits to buy fancy undergarments for his mistress. Did I bail his bank out? No! I had federal marshals drag him out to the town square, where his customers deposited a flurry of kicks and punches to his rib cage. Now that's what I call bank reform!

The markets are very volatile these days. Up. Down. Up. Down. I'm going crazy over here. I have no idea what to do. Help!
Not since the Great Bear Market of 1855 — when actual bears got into the trading house and thrashed 17 men to death — have I so witnessed such a frightful time in the trading of stocks. As a semi-puritanical loner crippled by shyness, I have never quite understood the attraction folks have with money. Give me enough tobacco to fill my pipe and a cool, dark room, and I am as content as can be. But if you insist on acquiring great wealth, take the advice of my friend Warren Buffett (little known fact: we grew up together) who tells us to stay away from flashy tech stocks — whatever those are; I died in 1865! — and stick to the basics. Purchase stocks in the companies that manufacture the things you use on a daily basis: churns, lye soap, cornmeal, cabin paste and the like. You will make a pretty penny. And by that, I mean an actual penny. Times are tough out there!

THE 25 PEOPLE YOU ALWAYS SEE AT THE YMCA

1. The guy who works out a little too vigorously on the elliptical machine

2. The guy who seems to be barely moving on the elliptical machine

3. The cute girl with all the tattoos

4. The really, really hairy guy

5. The woman who is always there but never seems to lose any weight

6. The janitor who quietly loathes all the yuppies who never wipe down the machines

7. The guy who grunts loudly when he lifts weights because he wants to make sure you see how much iron he's pumping

8. The woman with all the makeup

9. The guy with the headband

10. The not-so-cute girl with all the tattoos

11. That guy you recognize from someplace else but can't quite remember where

12. The guy who you only know from a series of 2-minute conversations in the locker room over the course of the past 10 years

13. The flamboyantly gay guy

14. The guy who works out in jeans

15. The really sweaty girl

16. The guy who wears bike shorts that show off his package way too much

17. The trainer who critiques your form while doing lunges even though you didn't ask him to

18. The super old guy

19. The girl who only wears sorority t-shirts even though she appears to have graduated from college several years ago

20. The gorgeous woman who keeps catching you looking at her

21. The really sweaty guy

22. & 23. The impossibly good-looking couple

24. The bartender from that one place

25. The woman who can't figure out the controls for the treadmill and keeps glancing at you in hopes that you will take pity and explain them to her

RANDOM LINES FROM WIKIPEDIA

01. "When young he would often make his own puppet theater to amuse himself."

02. "Controversy arose when it was claimed that Heather had tried to sleep with Vanilla Ice during the filming of another VH1 reality show, 'The Surreal Life: Fame Games'."

03. "He recorded watersounds from a bucket of water and played sounds on a homemade bamboo flute."

04. "Prince Bernhard von Bülow (not to be confused with his more famous uncle, the former Chancellor Bernhard von Bülow)."

05. "She is famous for staging a fainting on the street to test emergency services in San Francisco which were found wanting."

06. "Compulsory pasteurization is controversial."

07. "The song is based on the singer's lament that he supposedly resembles celebrity talk show host Merv Griffin."

08. "Set on the streets of modern day Venice Beach, Vicious Circle is a tragic punk rock Latino love story; a raw, edgy, teenage Romeo and Juliet with a murder mystery twist."

09. "The legendary dwarf hero Dunforth wove his beard into a shirt, forsaking all other forms of armor."

10. "According to his account, he became involved with drugs after failing to gain the role won by Woody Harrelson in the sitcom Cheers."