10.18.2010

TODAY'S LIST OF WORRIES

1. My blood pressure
2. My parents
3. My job is making me crazy
4. A general sense of existential dread
5. The upcoming election
6. My garage needs painting
7. Winter is coming
8. Are the stitches in my thumb healing properly?
9. That I will never finish a novel
10. That I will turn into one of these lumpen weirdos at the coffeehouse

5.23.2010

THINGS AYN RAND PROBABLY NEVER SAID

1. "When is someone going to fill those goddamned potholes ... wait...what?"
2. "Dagny Taggart? What kind of name is Dagny? How high was I when I wrote that?"
3. "You're right -- that sentence does go around and around without making any sense."
4. "Enough about the federal reserve; I'm about to go Galt on this sandwich."
5. "Sometimes, even I think I'm completely full of crap."

5.07.2010

STUFF THAT ISN'T THE END OF THE WORLD
1. That girl totally fucked up your haircut
2. Twitter is down
3. Your boyfriend is all, like, meh.
4. Your girlfriend is being a bitch
5. You can't get a 3G signal on your iPhone
6. They're making you work late
7. The cable is out
8. Your cat's being all weird and pukey
9. They don't have any brown rice sushi
10. No one reads your blog

STUFF THAT IS THE END OF THE WORLD
1. The end of the world

2.16.2010

THE TO-DO LIST NEARS COMPLETION
490. Clean and disinfect TV remote.
491. Ask neighbor about the small crack on his driveway; offer suggestions for repair.
492. Go through bandana collection; discard worn out bandanas.
493. Wash mailbox.
494. Investigate the source of that faint humming sound you only hear once or twice each spring when the windows are open.
495. Google that one indie director from that Netflix movie; see if she made any other films.
496. See if picture frames in guest bedroom need straightening.
497. Prepare notes in support of Chester A. Arthur in the event you are ever asked to voice an opinion on the most under-rated U.S. president.
498. Look for that spoon that fell behind the stove that one time.
499. Finally give up on "Gravity's Rainbow."
500. Start a blog.

1.30.2010

HOW TO WATCH TV
Create a new “back story” and make tired old shows interesting again.

THE BRADY BUNCH: Mr. Brady’s first wife is named Alice and she lives in a room off the kitchen. No one likes to talk about it.

THE DUKES OF HAZZARD: Uncle Jesse is, in fact, reclusive writer J.D. Salinger, whose book, “The Catcher in the Rye,” is considered one of the classic novels of post-war America.

FRIENDS: Initially, there was a seventh “friend,” a smart and sassy gay man named Sam. He is believed to have been killed when, driving drunk, he crashed his car into a tree in Central Park. However, Rachel was actually at the wheel and managed to switch places. Only she knows the truth, and she lives in constant fear of being found out.

M*A*S*H: Klinger is spying for North Korea. Information he supplied to the enemy directly led to the downing of Col. Henry Blake’s plane.

HANNAH MONTANA: Every time Hannah is off camera, she is in the bathroom making herself throw up.

CHEERS: Woody and Cliff are deeply in love but cannot bear to tell the others the truth about their relationship. They live their lives in quiet desperation, exchanging furtive glances and gentle brushes of the hand, but nothing more.

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND: Raymond’s irrascible father, Frank Barone, is the Zodiac killer who terrorized San Francisco in the late 1960s, using frequent business trips to the Bay Area as an opportunity to kill his human prey.

SEINFELD: Elaine Benes was once a man named Eli Benes. Her awkward dance moves, her ruthless approach to office politics and her “just one of the guys” personality are reflections of her previous life and ongoing transition to womanhood.

THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW: Newswriter Murray Slaughter, beloved for his dry wit and loyalty to his friends, is actually Mandek Szczepanski, a guard at the notorious Auschwitz concentration camp in Poland.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL: The game you are watching does not, in fact, exist. Rather, it is just another hallucination created to keep you calm and sedated as you lie, zombie-like, in “the matrix,” a massive hive that uses your body as a battery to power a horrific robot army enslaving mankind.

THE FACTS OF LIFE: Jo is a lesbian. No, seriously.

9.28.2009

THINGS THAT ARE MORE FUN IN MOVIES AND ON TV THAN THEY ARE IN REAL LIFE

10. Bicycling
9. Road trips
8. Playing Frisbee
7. Music festivals
6. The company softball team
5. Dinner parties
4. Dive bars
3. Space travel
2. Florida
1. The Internet

7.15.2009

BOILING IT ALL DOWN

1. Grilled cheese sandwiches
2. Baseball
3. Stuff made out of Legos
4. My new iPhone
5. Getting 8 hours of sleep
6. The New Yorker
7. Having money in the bank
8. Chicago (the city, not the band)
9. Elizabeth Shue
10. The film "High Fidelity"
11. R.E.M.
12. Abraham Lincoln

5.30.2009

MISCELLANY
He began to long for the smell of a lived-in kitchen, where kids run around underfoot and the parents slice vegetables and stir simmering pots and check to see if whatever is in the oven is done. The sink is stained with coffee grounds and the walls are flecked with red spots missed by the dishrag as it hurried by on spaghetti night. Empty wine bottles and old newspapers crowd the recycling bin and the room smells vaguely of overripe fruit and vegetables -- not offensive at all, but organic, earthy, natural. His own kitchen smelled of nothing, was neutral. When he did cook, which was rare, he meticulously wiped down the counter tops, backsplash and sink. He sweeps often, has no children and takes out the garbage every night. He resided in his home, but he did not live there.

5.13.2009

ASK ABE

Native Kentuckian and our 16th president Abraham Lincoln offers wisdom on matters both grave and frivolous.

I recently caught my boyfriend kissing my sister. I was furious! But they both say they are sorry, and it would make life a lot easier if I forgave her and took him back. What should I do?
When the Civil War ended, it was important that we, as victors, not use the opportunity to mete out vengeful retribution on the traitors, double-crossers and assorted scalawags who fought for the secessionist cause. On the other hand, the song did mention something about a “terrible swift sword,” so one shouldn't get all huggy just yet. Don't look at this as mending fences so much as an opportunity to put the squeeze on. Let him know that Chili's and movie will not longer do it for a Saturday date. Inform her that your laundry will be by the back door every Friday and that your dress shirts take light starch. Tell him that you will be e-mailing your grocery list to him on Wednesday and that you don't like generic brands. Let her know that her favorite pair of Jimmy Choos will now be residing in your closet. They will probably transgress again — odds are almost certain of that — which is why you need to make hay while the sun shines.

Why is Dick Cheney still on my television all the time? Shouldn't he be off playing golf with Dan Quayle?
Traditionally, a vice president is to be forgotten as soon as his successor is sworn in. Good men like Hannibal Hamlin and Schuyler Colfax went off to do whatever the hell it is they did and everyone moved on. Then that Gore fellow went and ruined everything by talking about the angry sun gods all the time, and as usual for a Democrat, his good intentions opened the door for all sorts of tomfoolery. This Cheney fella is whip-smart and angry as a wet cat, and none too fond of Mr. Obama. But one can hardly fault him for speaking ill of his successors when, it seems, someone is always standing nearby with a microphone. One senses he would be ranting loudly no matter the audience, be it a ravenous press corps or his befuddled grandchildren.

5.07.2009

FIVE THINGS THAT I JUST CAN'T GET USED TO EVEN THOUGH I HAVE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME

1. Years that start with 20-- instead of 19--
2. The fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger is governor of California
3. Having to go to work every day
4. R.E.M. without drummer Bill Berry
5. Buying things on the Internet