ASK ABE

Dear President Lincoln, I think I may have caught the acting bug. What should I do?
Unfortunately, there is no cure for the acting bug. When I was 17, my cousin Randolph caught the acting bug. At that time, the common wisdom was that you could cure the bug by repeatedly immersing the afflicted one in an ice-cold lake or swiftly moving stream, but, alas, it did not work and Randolph eventually to fled under the veil of darkness to Chicago, where he joined a touring production of “The Taming of the Shrew.” He was never heard from again. You appear to be the initial stages of the disease. As it escalates, you will feel compelled to quit your job, sell your LP records and move to Los Angeles, where you will get a job at a convenience store to give you the flexibility needed to be able to audition for infomercials and industrial films. Like the junkie trying to get off the horse, you will endure sleepless nights, cold sweats and chronic nausea as you try to beat this bug. Some people – Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, the cast of “Law & Order” – have managed to live successful and healthy lives despite having the acting bug, but thousands more, sadly, do not. They live in squalid one-room apartments in Van Nuys and Encino, subsisting on Hot Pockets and tap water and working as party magicians, convinced that this is the week they’ll get signed with an agency. Stem cell researchers have made some advances toward a cure, but have thus far only been able to slow its advance in lab rats.