AN OBSESSIVELY FRUGAL PERSON SITTING NEXT TO YOU AT THE LICENSE BUREAU WANTS TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE MANY PATCHES ON HER JEANS

I noticed you're reading the Utne Reader. I'm a big fan, too. Did you know that you can get free copies of magazines from the recycling bin at the library? Yes, they do archive the magazines, but most people don’t know that they get two copies of every issue, and recycle one of them. They do it every Friday around 10 a.m. It’s around back by the loading dock. My husband and I save about $200 year on magazine subscriptions that way. People are so wasteful. You’d be shocked how much money we waste on things like magazines and name-brand oatmeal. Over the course of a year, you would waste $15 buying Quaker oatmeal versus the generic brand we get over the Internet. Yes, the Internet. Go to this website: www. frugalshopper. uk. com. /food/ 9=sqvl%%87&879/ulischmelzer.html. Got that? Let me write it down for you … there you go. It combines the buying power of thousands of thrifty shoppers with the lower labor costs of the former Soviet bloc. Yugoslavian oats are every bit as nutritious as American oats, but cost one-fourth the price. They come in barrels, but we have a huge basement so storage isn’t a problem. Sure, it’s a tradeoff, but it is so satisfying when you can look at your bank account and see all that money you save. That’s why I’m here, actually. We saved enough money to buy a used van for our frequent trips to the slaughterhouse up in Indianapolis. You can buy an entire cow there. We butcher it ourselves, and use whatever we don’t eat to barter with our neighbors. That’s why I’ve never had to pay cash for daycare for any of my kids. Do you eat out a lot? That is such a terrible waste! Every time my husband talks about out for a fancy restaurant dinner, I suggest that we go to the grocery, buy a couple nice lobsters that are just about to expire – that’s when they mark them down, you know – and make an evening of it at home. What’s more fun – dinner at some stuffy restaurant, or a night at home enjoying a meal that you prepared for only pennies on the dollar? And clothes! Can you believe what people spend on clothes? I’ve been wearing this pair of jeans for seven years, and they look great, don’t they? I patch them with fabric from old sofa cushions that people have thrown away. We never buy new furniture. You don’t need to! I make slipcovers from surplus military tents. “Surplus” is a misnomer; most of that stuff has never been used. We re-did our kitchen cabinets entirely with Vietnam-era ammunition crates. I don’t tell everyone that – I’m afraid Ikea will steal the idea! Speaking of magazines, did you know that you can make new insoles for your shows with old magazines? Fashion magazines are the best – the glossy paper holds up better. Hey, they’re calling my number now. It was nice meeting you. If you’re interested, there’s a frugal lifestyles meetup once a month in the basement of the Unitarian church. This week we’re getting together to update 2007 calendars into 2008 calendars. Bring you own tape and scissors!