5.13.2009

ASK ABE

Native Kentuckian and our 16th president Abraham Lincoln offers wisdom on matters both grave and frivolous.

I recently caught my boyfriend kissing my sister. I was furious! But they both say they are sorry, and it would make life a lot easier if I forgave her and took him back. What should I do?
When the Civil War ended, it was important that we, as victors, not use the opportunity to mete out vengeful retribution on the traitors, double-crossers and assorted scalawags who fought for the secessionist cause. On the other hand, the song did mention something about a “terrible swift sword,” so one shouldn't get all huggy just yet. Don't look at this as mending fences so much as an opportunity to put the squeeze on. Let him know that Chili's and movie will not longer do it for a Saturday date. Inform her that your laundry will be by the back door every Friday and that your dress shirts take light starch. Tell him that you will be e-mailing your grocery list to him on Wednesday and that you don't like generic brands. Let her know that her favorite pair of Jimmy Choos will now be residing in your closet. They will probably transgress again — odds are almost certain of that — which is why you need to make hay while the sun shines.

Why is Dick Cheney still on my television all the time? Shouldn't he be off playing golf with Dan Quayle?
Traditionally, a vice president is to be forgotten as soon as his successor is sworn in. Good men like Hannibal Hamlin and Schuyler Colfax went off to do whatever the hell it is they did and everyone moved on. Then that Gore fellow went and ruined everything by talking about the angry sun gods all the time, and as usual for a Democrat, his good intentions opened the door for all sorts of tomfoolery. This Cheney fella is whip-smart and angry as a wet cat, and none too fond of Mr. Obama. But one can hardly fault him for speaking ill of his successors when, it seems, someone is always standing nearby with a microphone. One senses he would be ranting loudly no matter the audience, be it a ravenous press corps or his befuddled grandchildren.

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