AM I IN THE MAFIA?
In these hectic times, what with work, the kids and your work on the Romney campaign, it's hard to keep everything straight. You misplace your keys, forget to thaw the roast, even forget that you've joined La Cosa Nostra. We can't help you find those keys, but we can help you figure out whether you're, as they say, "mobbed up."

Do I wear a pinky ring? 90% chance

(Exception: I'm the Pope: 34% chance)

Do I drive a Volkswagen Jetta? 0% chance

Does my MySpace profile list "arson" among my interests? 87% chance

Do I like Death Cab for Cutie? 13% chance

Do I keep an ax, a shovel and a .38 in my trunk? 99% chance

Is my favorite movie "The Remains of the Day"? 28% chance

Do I keep $10,000 in cash in my freezer? 60% chance

Is my Cadillac Escalade registered in the name of a deceased pipefitter? 82% chance

Do I know the names of at least two people on "The Hills"? 2% chance

Do I collect the skim from the Saturday bingo game at St. Theresa's? 88% chance

Have I read "Love in the Time of Cholera?" 17% chance

Do I spend most of my afternoons at the Ravenite Social Club in Little Italy? 58% chance

Do I drink Mike's Hard Lemonade? 9% chance

Does the butcher give my mother a free Christmas ham every year? 45% chance

Do I have an image of Al Pacino in "Scarface" tattooed on my calf? 58% chance

Is my favorite meal braised tofu served with broccoli, carrots, mushrooms, cauliflower and zucchini? 4% chance

Do have a man named Jimmy the Nose stored in the freezer in my basement? 100% chance

MY LEAST FAVORITE SCENE IN THE 1988 ACTION FILM "DIE HARD"
John McClane yelps into his walkie-talkie, alarming the cop on the other end (whose only chracter description in the script was, apparently, "fat and black"), for he believes for a moment that the terrorists have brutally murdered his new friend. Instead, McClane is upset over the fact that a Twinkie he found somewhere in the building has gone rancid. The cop (a.k.a. the dad on that Urkel show) responds hilariously by lovingly ticking off the list of Twinkie ingredients ("...enriched wheat flour, riboflavin, yellow dye no. 5...") in a way that no one -- NO ONE -- would ever do in a similarly tense and potentially apocalyptic situation. Here is how I have improved this scene:

McClane: Yelp!
Coppy McCopperson: McClane! What's wrong?
McClane: I just bit into a 10-year-old Twinkie.
Coppy McCopperson: Stop eating Twinkies and get the fuck out of there!!!!!

(end scene)