A MAN ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN THE GAME OF RACQUETBALL TO HIS KITTEN, MISTER SNEAKYPANTS

Okay, the first thing is the racquet. They have gotten bigger and bigger over the years, but I prefer something medium-sized, because you get better control … No, Mister Sneakypants, NO! -- that’s not a mousy! NO! NO! pay attention to Papa … um, so anyway, you get better control, which is very important when it comes to ball placement. Okay, so grip you racquet … where is your racquet? In the lounge? Why did you leave it in the lounge? Sigh. I'll call Carla and see if she can run it in here. … (On cell phone) Carla, this is James. Someone left his racquet in the lounge. Can you run it over to court 10? Oh, you're a doll. Thanks! (hangs up) … For now, take mine for a sec. Okay, grip it tight, but don't strangle it. There, you almost got it. God, that's sooo cute! Wait, lemme take a picture with my iPhone. … Got it. Okay, the game starts when you serve against the front wall. … Please, Mister Sneakypants, I'm talking now. Focus. Bounce the ball once, then hit it. I want you to try it … Bounce the ball … Bounce the ball … COME ON NOW! BOUNCE THE BALL! … damnit. Oh hi Carla! Thanks so much. Mister Sneakypants, tell Miss Carla thank you. … thaaaank yeeeeew … you can do it -- thaaaaank yeeeeew. Fine. Be that way. He was just doing it yesterday. Well, toodles. Gotta finish the lesson. … No, Mister Sneakypants, don't go with Miss Carla. … Close the door Carla, quick. Thank you! … Now bounce the ball once, and hit it against the front wall. Some people call it the back wall, which can be confusing, but I consider the wall behind us to be the back wall. It's just semantics. Now, your serve must hit the front wall and bounce beyond … Mister Sneakypants! This is not bath time! You can do that later. It's not like you've ever broken a sweat … Don't sneer at me. As I was saying, the ball must land beyond that red line to be a legal serve. Otherwise, it's a fault. You get two faults per serve, then it’s a point for me. Beyond that, it's pretty … Are you sleeping Mister Sneakypants!? We agreed that you wouldn’t do that. Well, I wasn't the one who stayed up all night watching "Meerkat Manor" on Tivo. … Oh, don't cry. I'm just trying to help you stay active. There. Now you've got me crying. Oh, Mister Sneakypants. I'm sorry. I can never stay mad at you. (in baby talk) Who wants some ice cream? Who wants some ice cream? Me too! … Let's just play a quick set and then we'll go get some ice cream. Best two out of three, first to 15 wins … Are you remembering any of this, Mister Sneakypants? Look over here, Mr. Sneakypants …