9.29.2007

ASK ABE

Dear President Lincoln, I think I may have caught the acting bug. What should I do?
Unfortunately, there is no cure for the acting bug. When I was 17, my cousin Randolph caught the acting bug. At that time, the common wisdom was that you could cure the bug by repeatedly immersing the afflicted one in an ice-cold lake or swiftly moving stream, but, alas, it did not work and Randolph eventually to fled under the veil of darkness to Chicago, where he joined a touring production of “The Taming of the Shrew.” He was never heard from again. You appear to be the initial stages of the disease. As it escalates, you will feel compelled to quit your job, sell your LP records and move to Los Angeles, where you will get a job at a convenience store to give you the flexibility needed to be able to audition for infomercials and industrial films. Like the junkie trying to get off the horse, you will endure sleepless nights, cold sweats and chronic nausea as you try to beat this bug. Some people – Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, the cast of “Law & Order” – have managed to live successful and healthy lives despite having the acting bug, but thousands more, sadly, do not. They live in squalid one-room apartments in Van Nuys and Encino, subsisting on Hot Pockets and tap water and working as party magicians, convinced that this is the week they’ll get signed with an agency. Stem cell researchers have made some advances toward a cure, but have thus far only been able to slow its advance in lab rats.

9.23.2007

LISTS

REALLY, IT'S NOT
NEARLY AS GOOD
AS IT SOUNDS
06: Footlong hotdog
05: Bed and breakfast
04: Valuable coupon
03: Jazz
02: Vice president
01: Belgium

THE SIX DUMBEST THINGS
I EVER SAID TO ATTRACTIVE
WOMEN I MET IN BARS
06: Yes, that seat is taken.
05: Aren't you the girl who threw up all over the coats at (blank's) party?
04: I'm sorry, I don't like to dance.
03: Can I borrow two dollars to buy a beer?
02: Can't one of your friends drive you home?
01: Well, then do you think your friend would go out with me?

SIX NAMES FOR INDIE ROCK
BANDS I MAY SOMEDAY FORM
06: Death Cab for Millard Fillmore
05: To the Hammer, a Nail
04: Black Plastic Someday
03: Three-Button Jacket
02: Madagascar
01: Sandwich! Sandwich! Sandwich!

OH MY GOD
YOU ARE SUCH
AN IDIOT
06: Tribal tattoos
05: Maroon Five
04: Ugg boots
03: Naked yoga
02: Vitamin Water
01: "... Yeah, but at least we got rid of Saddam."

DECLASSIFIED MEMO:
SIX JOBS PRESIDENT BUSH
IS ACTIVELY CONSIDERING
ONCE HE LEAVES THE WHITE HOUSE
06: Cowboy
05: Fireman
04: Major League baseball player
03: Taste Tester at ice cream factory
02: Peace Core (sic) volunteer
01: President of smaller, less picky country