DEAR BLUE OYSTER CULT

Dear Blue Oyster Cult:
I drive a 1978 Ford Fairmont with 167,000 miles on it. I have to constantly pour oil into it and it gets crappy mileage. I need a new car, but I am buried in credit card bills and college debt. My dad says he'll buy me a decent used car, but I know he is only offering to do it because he wants something to hold over me. He is a real jerk. What should I do?
Lowspeed Racer,
Nyack, N.Y.

Dear Lowspeed Racer:
You can drive my motorcar
It's insured to thirty thou
Kill them all if you wish

Dear Blue Oyster Cult:
My girlfriend never seems to want to get it on. I have never had this problem with a woman before, but she seems very frigid. I know she works very hard down at the DMV, but a man has needs!
Love Machine,
Clarksville, Ind.

Dear Love Machine:
Night time flowers, evening roses
Bless this garden that never closes
Treat her gently, treat her kind
Tenderloin will last all night

Dear Blue Oyster Cult:
My best friend's wife hit on me at a party. Should I tell him, or should I just keep my mouth shut?
Conflicted
El Paso, Texas

Dear Conflicted:
And where there's smoke, there's fire,
the flip side of desire.
And if it's true, it can't be you,
it might as well be me.

Dear Blue Oyster Cult:
My family is coming to my house for Thanksgiving this year and I have no idea what to do. I can barely boil water, let alone cook a turkey dinner for seven people. Help!
A Real Turkey,
Carlsbad, Calif.

Dear Turkey:
Don't let these shakes go on,
it's time we had a break from it
It's time we had some leave
We've been living in the flames
We've been eating up our brains
Oh please, don't let these shakes go on.

Dear Blue Oyster Cult:
Excuse me?
A Real Turkey
Carlsbad, Calif.

Dear Turkey:
Try ordering a prepared meal from Boston Market or one of your local grocery stores. Be sure to place your order well in advance to avoid last-minute snafus.