1.30.2010

HOW TO WATCH TV
Create a new “back story” and make tired old shows interesting again.

THE BRADY BUNCH: Mr. Brady’s first wife is named Alice and she lives in a room off the kitchen. No one likes to talk about it.

THE DUKES OF HAZZARD: Uncle Jesse is, in fact, reclusive writer J.D. Salinger, whose book, “The Catcher in the Rye,” is considered one of the classic novels of post-war America.

FRIENDS: Initially, there was a seventh “friend,” a smart and sassy gay man named Sam. He is believed to have been killed when, driving drunk, he crashed his car into a tree in Central Park. However, Rachel was actually at the wheel and managed to switch places. Only she knows the truth, and she lives in constant fear of being found out.

M*A*S*H: Klinger is spying for North Korea. Information he supplied to the enemy directly led to the downing of Col. Henry Blake’s plane.

HANNAH MONTANA: Every time Hannah is off camera, she is in the bathroom making herself throw up.

CHEERS: Woody and Cliff are deeply in love but cannot bear to tell the others the truth about their relationship. They live their lives in quiet desperation, exchanging furtive glances and gentle brushes of the hand, but nothing more.

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND: Raymond’s irrascible father, Frank Barone, is the Zodiac killer who terrorized San Francisco in the late 1960s, using frequent business trips to the Bay Area as an opportunity to kill his human prey.

SEINFELD: Elaine Benes was once a man named Eli Benes. Her awkward dance moves, her ruthless approach to office politics and her “just one of the guys” personality are reflections of her previous life and ongoing transition to womanhood.

THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW: Newswriter Murray Slaughter, beloved for his dry wit and loyalty to his friends, is actually Mandek Szczepanski, a guard at the notorious Auschwitz concentration camp in Poland.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL: The game you are watching does not, in fact, exist. Rather, it is just another hallucination created to keep you calm and sedated as you lie, zombie-like, in “the matrix,” a massive hive that uses your body as a battery to power a horrific robot army enslaving mankind.

THE FACTS OF LIFE: Jo is a lesbian. No, seriously.