12.14.2007

A GIRL YOU MET AT THE COFFEEHOUSE TALKS ABOUT VEGANISM

I see you bought the vegan muffin. Are you a vegan? You're trying? Good for you! I remember when I went vegan. I've been vegan since before I was born. Once, my mother pulled me out of daycare when she found out that they accidentally gave me a non-vegan cupcake on Valentine's Day. My mom is sooo awesome! When I was 9, she left me with my grandma for a year so she could study to be a yoga master. But she always called once a week to make sure GramGram wasn't feeding me any animal products. You know, that muffin isn't completely vegan. I know -- the label says it is -- but I found out that the girl who bakes them is only lacto-ovo. I mean, what the hell!? Just because you're not cooking with animal products doesn't mean it's vegan. It's the entire process, you know? The way I see it, cows and chickens suffered for that muffin, even if indirectly. God, it feels so good to be vegan! Don't you agree? I get sick just thinking about what they do to those cows. My doctor thinks I get tired all the time because I have an iron deficiency, but I think it's because I just get so consumed with worry about all those animals being slaughtered. Hey, what are you doing this Saturday? Do you want to come to a cleansing circle with me? You've never heard of that? It's like drum circle but we also fast and cleanse at the same time. My friend Jeremy built a sauna in an old school bus and we all sit around playing drums and cleansing ourselves of the toxins in our bodies. Jeremy says you aren't really "clean" until your core temperature reaches 102.3 degrees. I passed out the first five times I did it, but after that, it was like the most amazing experience ever. God, I need a smoke. Do you want one? I only smoke Sierra Wilds. They're 100 percent organic, with free-range tobacco. Don't believe that stuff about American Spirits. They grow their tobacco on factory farms. I mean, what the fuck? I would never put that poison in my body.

12.10.2007

YOU ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING AND I THINK I HATE YOU ALREADY

I know what lol means. You don't have to put "laugh out loud" in parentheses next to it in your e-mail.