4.12.2005

HE'S GOT TROUBLES: SEVERAL
WAYS THAT TIGER WOODS IS
JUST LIKE YOU AND ME
06: A paid spokesman for Buick, Tiger receives an unlimited supply of the automaker’s cars. But he is conflicted, as his car of preference is a Mercedes-Benz.
05: Like many Americans, Tiger has trouble learning foreign languages. This has frustrated his efforts to learn Swedish, the native tongue of his wife, lingerie model Elin Nordegren.
04: Because, with tournament winnings, endorsements, appearance fees and merchandising contracts, he earns more than $2 million a week, Tiger constantly worries that his income is fully accounted for tax purposes.
03: As the owner of a private jet, Tiger has been absolutely murdered by the sharp rise in fuel prices over the past year.
02: Never good with names, Tiger often embarrasses himself when he mistakes the CEO of General Motors for the CEO of American Express during parties on Bill Gates’ private island in the South Pacific.
01: Tiger is wracked by feelings of guilt when he dons one of his signature red shirts – part of his $250,000,000 contract with Nike – for his favorite color is actually yellow, thus forcing him to live a lie.

4.10.2005

AREAS IN WHICH I MUST
RELUCTANTLY AGREE WITH
THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT
06: “Desperate Housewives” is vastly overrated.
05: John McCain is kind of a phony.
04: Air America isn’t going to solve anything.
03: Nudity in a film is rarely integral to telling the story.
02: Most popular music today is unlistenable.
01: Dan Rather is crazier than a New Orleans drag queen with a bipolar disorder.