TODAY'S LIST OF WORRIES

1. My blood pressure
2. My parents
3. My job is making me crazy
4. A general sense of existential dread
5. The upcoming election
6. My garage needs painting
7. Winter is coming
8. Are the stitches in my thumb healing properly?
9. That I will never finish a novel
10. That I will turn into one of these lumpen weirdos at the coffeehouse

THINGS AYN RAND PROBABLY NEVER SAID

1. "When is someone going to fill those goddamned potholes ... wait...what?"
2. "Dagny Taggart? What kind of name is Dagny? How high was I when I wrote that?"
3. "You're right -- that sentence does go around and around without making any sense."
4. "Enough about the federal reserve; I'm about to go Galt on this sandwich."
5. "Sometimes, even I think I'm completely full of crap."

THE TO-DO LIST NEARS COMPLETION
490. Clean and disinfect TV remote.
491. Ask neighbor about the small crack on his driveway; offer suggestions for repair.
492. Go through bandana collection; discard worn out bandanas.
493. Wash mailbox.
494. Investigate the source of that faint humming sound you only hear once or twice each spring when the windows are open.
495. Google that one indie director from that Netflix movie; see if she made any other films.
496. See if picture frames in guest bedroom need straightening.
497. Prepare notes in support of Chester A. Arthur in the event you are ever asked to voice an opinion on the most under-rated U.S. president.
498. Look for that spoon that fell behind the stove that one time.
499. Finally give up on "Gravity's Rainbow."
500. Start a blog.

HOW TO WATCH TV Create a new “back story” and make tired old shows interesting again. THE BRADY BUNCH: Mr. Brady’s first wife is named Alice and she lives in a room off the kitchen. No one likes to talk about it. THE DUKES OF HAZZARD: Uncle Jesse is, in fact, reclusive writer J.D. Salinger, whose book, “The Catcher in the Rye,” is considered one of the classic novels of post-war America. FRIENDS: Initially, there was a seventh “friend,” a smart and sassy gay man named Sam. He is believed to have been killed when, driving drunk, he crashed his car into a tree in Central Park. However, Rachel was actually at the wheel and managed to switch places. Only she knows the truth, and she lives in constant fear of being found out. M*A*S*H: Klinger is spying for North Korea. Information he supplied to the enemy directly led to the downing of Col. Henry Blake’s plane. CHEERS: Woody and Cliff are deeply in love but cannot bear to tell the others the truth about their relationship. They live their lives in quiet desperation, exchanging furtive glances and gentle brushes of the hand, but nothing more. EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND: Raymond’s irrascible father, Frank Barone, is the Zodiac killer who terrorized San Francisco in the late 1960s, using frequent business trips to the Bay Area as an opportunity to kill his human prey. THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW: Newswriter Murray Slaughter, beloved for his dry wit and loyalty to his friends, is actually Mandek Szczepanski, a guard at the notorious Auschwitz concentration camp in Poland. MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL: The game you are watching does not, in fact, exist. Rather, it is just another hallucination created to keep you calm and sedated as you lie, zombie-like, in “the matrix,” a massive hive that uses your body as a battery to power a horrific robot army enslaving mankind.

THINGS THAT ARE MORE FUN IN MOVIES AND ON TV THAN THEY ARE IN REAL LIFE

10. Bicycling
9. Road trips
8. Playing Frisbee
7. Music festivals
6. The company softball team
5. Dinner parties
4. Dive bars
3. Space travel
2. Florida
1. The Internet

BOILING IT ALL DOWN

1. Grilled cheese sandwiches
2. Baseball
3. Stuff made out of Legos
4. My new iPhone
5. Getting 8 hours of sleep
6. The New Yorker
7. Having money in the bank
8. Chicago (the city, not the band)
9. Elizabeth Shue
10. The film "High Fidelity"
11. R.E.M.
12. Abraham Lincoln

MISCELLANY
He began to long for the smell of a lived-in kitchen, where kids run around underfoot and the parents slice vegetables and stir simmering pots and check to see if whatever is in the oven is done. The sink is stained with coffee grounds and the walls are flecked with red spots missed by the dishrag as it hurried by on spaghetti night. Empty wine bottles and old newspapers crowd the recycling bin and the room smells vaguely of overripe fruit and vegetables -- not offensive at all, but organic, earthy, natural. His own kitchen smelled of nothing, was neutral. When he did cook, which was rare, he meticulously wiped down the counter tops, backsplash and sink. He sweeps often, has no children and takes out the garbage every night. He resided in his home, but he did not live there.

ASK ABE

Native Kentuckian and our 16th president Abraham Lincoln offers wisdom on matters both grave and frivolous.

I recently caught my boyfriend kissing my sister. I was furious! But they both say they are sorry, and it would make life a lot easier if I forgave her and took him back. What should I do?
When the Civil War ended, it was important that we, as victors, not use the opportunity to mete out vengeful retribution on the traitors, double-crossers and assorted scalawags who fought for the secessionist cause. On the other hand, the song did mention something about a “terrible swift sword,” so one shouldn't get all huggy just yet. Don't look at this as mending fences so much as an opportunity to put the squeeze on. Let him know that Chili's and movie will not longer do it for a Saturday date. Inform her that your laundry will be by the back door every Friday and that your dress shirts take light starch. Tell him that you will be e-mailing your grocery list to him on Wednesday and that you don't like generic brands. Let her know that her favorite pair of Jimmy Choos will now be residing in your closet. They will probably transgress again — odds are almost certain of that — which is why you need to make hay while the sun shines.

Why is Dick Cheney still on my television all the time? Shouldn't he be off playing golf with Dan Quayle?
Traditionally, a vice president is to be forgotten as soon as his successor is sworn in. Good men like Hannibal Hamlin and Schuyler Colfax went off to do whatever the hell it is they did and everyone moved on. Then that Gore fellow went and ruined everything by talking about the angry sun gods all the time, and as usual for a Democrat, his good intentions opened the door for all sorts of tomfoolery. This Cheney fella is whip-smart and angry as a wet cat, and none too fond of Mr. Obama. But one can hardly fault him for speaking ill of his successors when, it seems, someone is always standing nearby with a microphone. One senses he would be ranting loudly no matter the audience, be it a ravenous press corps or his befuddled grandchildren.

FIVE THINGS THAT I JUST CAN'T GET USED TO EVEN THOUGH I HAVE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME

1. Years that start with 20-- instead of 19--
2. The fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger is governor of California
3. Having to go to work every day
4. R.E.M. without drummer Bill Berry
5. Buying things on the Internet

FIVE REDEEMING QUALITIES OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY

The first few years, it was a novelty. Over the next 100, it became a tradition. The last 35, it has started to feel like an obligation. Because even Mardi Gras would become a drag if you lived in the French Quarter. Let’s step back a bit and remind ourselves why we should care about this.

1. IT’S NOT LIKE OTHER SPORTS. It’s a tiny man strapped to a half-ton animal running like hell around a dirt track. The main player -- the horse -- has no idea what is going on. The basics of the sport have remained unchanged since its beginnings. (For comparison purposes, consider the difference between baseball in 1875 and baseball today.) And since it only lasts two minutes, it’s impossible to get bored with it.

2. IT’S REALLY OLD. The first Derby was in 1875, just 10 years after the end of the Civil War, but before the light bulb, the car and indoor plumbing. Given how our disposable culture tends to, well, dispose of things after a while, it’s remarkable for something to continue on for 135 years, on this scale. So we keep doing it.

3. IT HAS AN OFFICIAL ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE. That beverage is the mint julep, which is bourbon, sugar water, mint leaves and crushed ice, and is so difficult to make that most people will never know what a good one tastes like. But they will drink the bad ones anyway, because after two or three, you can’t tell the difference.

4. IT’S A FONT OF ARCANE TRIVIA. Did you know that the jockeys used to wear spurs? Did you know that the grandstand once caught on fire on Derby Day? Did you know that the Derby is mentioned in a Rolling Stones song? Did you know that all the horses are related? Did you know that Secretariat’s heart was more than twice as large as a normal horse’s?

5. IT’S JUST A BIG DUMB THING. Women who never wear hats wear them to Derby. Steamboats race down the river to claim a pair of antlers. Arab sheikhs fly into town in private 747s. Kid Rock always comes, but he seems less like a rock star than like a wacky cousin you only see once a year. The race used to be longer, but they shortened it years ago, confirming what most of us have long suspected, which is that the Derby is the only major sporting event where the goal is to spend the least amount of time possible actually watching someone engage in sports.