LISTS

REALLY, IT'S NOT
NEARLY AS GOOD
AS IT SOUNDS
06: Footlong hotdog
05: Bed and breakfast
04: Valuable coupon
03: Jazz
02: Vice president
01: Belgium

THE SIX DUMBEST THINGS
I EVER SAID TO ATTRACTIVE
WOMEN I MET IN BARS
06: Yes, that seat is taken.
05: Aren't you the girl who threw up all over the coats at (blank's) party?
04: I'm sorry, I don't like to dance.
03: Can I borrow two dollars to buy a beer?
02: Can't one of your friends drive you home?
01: Well, then do you think your friend would go out with me?

SIX NAMES FOR INDIE ROCK
BANDS I MAY SOMEDAY FORM
06: Death Cab for Millard Fillmore
05: To the Hammer, a Nail
04: Black Plastic Someday
03: Three-Button Jacket
02: Madagascar
01: Sandwich! Sandwich! Sandwich!

OH MY GOD
YOU ARE SUCH
AN IDIOT
06: Tribal tattoos
05: Maroon Five
04: Ugg boots
03: Naked yoga
02: Vitamin Water
01: "... Yeah, but at least we got rid of Saddam."

DECLASSIFIED MEMO:
SIX JOBS PRESIDENT BUSH
IS ACTIVELY CONSIDERING
ONCE HE LEAVES THE WHITE HOUSE
06: Cowboy
05: Fireman
04: Major League baseball player
03: Taste Tester at ice cream factory
02: Peace Core (sic) volunteer
01: President of smaller, less picky country

DOG DAYS OF SUMMER MIX

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight, The Postal Service

The River, Bruce Springsteen

Gigantic, The Pixies

Nobody, The Replacements

Sun Gone Down, House of Freaks

Overexposure, The Fervor

I'm Over You, The Silos

Johnny Appleseed, Joe Strummer & the Mescaleros

W.A.N.D., Flaming Lips

Harborcoat, R.E.M.

Endless Summer, Follow the Train

Get Out of the Pool, Drunken Boat

Baby Blue, SF Seals

Hang Me Up To Dry, Cold War Kids

Clampdown, The Clash

AN HONEST-TO-GOD THING I JUST OVERHEARD
AT THE COFFEEHOUSE

Man No. 1: I think the single greatest ingredient you can use in cooking is love.

Man No. 2: I like onions and garlic.


Annnnnd scene!

POPULAR NASCAR DRIVERS AND THEIR
PARALLELS IN FRENCH NEW WAVE CINEMA

Read my new piece at Cracked.com.

ASK ABE

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about Bikram, or “hot,” yoga. I am currently doing Pilates three times a week, but would like to try something more intense. What do you think?

Nothing refreshes the soul or limbers the body quite like the application of heat. I believe that the Swedes enjoy a good sauna mostly because it serves as a reminder of what’s facing them if they stray off the straight and narrow. One hot August day in the summer of my 13th year, my father — a wild-eyed man given to spontaneous Bible quotation and the occasional bear-attack flashback — threw me in the coal bin and nailed the lid shut, leaving me there to swelter in the darkness. (This would last for three days. He later explained that it had something to do with sexual urges, although he never elaborated.) When I finally was allowed to unpack myself from the bin, I discovered that my muscles had never felt better. Three days of aching deprivation and intense heat had cleansed my body of all toxins. Fully flushed, I felt as though I had been reborn. I was ready to take on the world. I don’t know what “yoga” is, but I can wholeheartedly endorse the “hot” part. If you can avoid it, though, I would dispense with the part where someone sits beside the coal bin loudly reading from the Book of Revelation. Seems like overkill to me.

President Abraham Lincoln offers wisdom on matters both grave and frivolous. (Note: Mr. Lincoln is not a licensed therapist.)

LESSER-KNOWN IRISH
FOLK SONGS

"A Stabbing on the Square"

"Ballad of the Lost Phone Number (Where, O Where, Are You Tonight, Fair Lady?)"

"Hold Down the Protestant (So I That I May Beat Him)"

"How Did You Let The Potato Crop Die, You Dumb Son of a Bitch?"

"I Will Stab You in the Eye If You Touch My Wife Again, O'Malley"

"Don't Judge Me, Maggie. Don't Fucking Judge Me."

WATCHING 'THE SIMPSONS' WITH MY FATHER, BOB
8 p.m. Sunday
(Opening credits appear and "Simpsons" theme plays. Bob enters living room and sits down.)
BOB: You know, I don't think I've ever seen this show.
(Show opens with Marge, upon the advice of a parenting magazine, deciding to take away Maggie's pacifier. All hell breaks loose.)
BOB: mild chuckle
(After a series of sight gags involving pacifiers, Maggie finds comfort in one of Santa's Little Helper's chew toys.)
BOB: laughs at the familiarity of this; he raised five children
(Although Maggie is happy again, the chew toy squeaks incessantly, keeping Homer awake. He goes downstairs to watch TV. He sees an ad for Nappien, a sleeping pill. The ad shows a man struggling to sleep. He tries to count sheep, which have labels such as "job stress" and "mortgage.")
BOB: What did that sheep say?
ME: It says "secret other family."
BOB: chuckles heartily
(In the commercial, a dove representing Nappien flies into the man's bedroom and lands on his nose, then "poops" a pill into his mouth. It is a classic "Simpsons" gag.)
BOB: laughs loudly
(Homer, of course, goes on Nappien, which turns him into a zombie. Bart takes advantage, and he and Milhouse go on a rampage with zombie Homer. It ends with them crashing the car into a firehouse, spilling the chili and bending the firepole.)
BOB: laughs several times during the montage
(The fire alarm rings and the firemen rush to the pole.)
BOB: laughs in anticipation of the sight gag to come
(The firemen slide down the bent pole, which shoots then into the spilled chili. They slide into the wall, and are confronted by the fire dogs, who are all amped up on chili)
BOB: laughs at the payoff
(Homer is scolded by one of the angry firemen, whom is then scolded by Homer for being so negative. Fade to commercial.)
BOB: (rising from his chair, still chuckling) That's about the dumbest thing I have ever seen. (returns to his room to watch "Nova.")

SUMMER
I saw Phil
driving a stolen firetruck
The look on his face
said
"This is it!"
And then he was gone
Out of June
and into July

WILL OLDHAM SONGS THAT WOULD ALSO WORK AS THE TITLES FOR CHEESY 1980s ACTION-THRILLER FILMS

• "West Palm Beach"
• "New Partner"
• "Gulf Shores"
• "Disorder"
• "Blood Embrace"
• "Hard Life"
• "Death to Everyone"
  

I GUESS I WILL JUST NEVER UNDERSTAND CHESS
As anyone who considers himself a master of gamesmanship, it is a painful point for me to concede that I may never be skilled artisan of this ancient game of chess. It saddens me to think that those long nights that my father spent teaching me the game -- before he was sent away -- have gone to waste. It is my fault, of course. Terrified of his genius, I never mustered the courage to question the rules and tactics of this confounding pastime. It is these questions that I ask of you, my newfound friend here on the crosstown bus:

• King, queen, knight, pawn. These pieces I understand; all move in logical ways. But what about the all-powerful unicorn? Father said the unicorn could move in any direction any number of spaces -- yes, not unlike the queen -- but at any point in the game of his choosing, even in the middle of my turn. And why did I never have my own unicorn?
• Why do we dip our pieces in peanut butter before each turn? What role does peanut butter play in the development of chess? Father said Moses invented chess. Did the Jews in Egypt even have peanut butter?
  
• What kind of helmet do you wear when you play chess? Father insisted on the kind worn by lacrosse goalies, the better to protect your eyes when the pieces are flung at you in a rage. But I have found it difficult to concentrate with such a heavy contrivance upon my head.
  
• When I spy on the men playing chess in the park, I notice they never include marbles, dice or the "lose a turn" spinner in their matches. Father would scold them soundly for their attempts to dumb down this complex game. So would I, were I not so cripplingly shy. So would I ...
  
• And, finally, why does the chess king say such horrible things about father? Father carved the king out of fine Italian walnut and polished him every day with rich, creamery butter. For the king to lash out at him in such a vicious manner is a cause for deep sadness in me. I could easily say the same things about father -- about his drinking, his temper, his affairs, his lies about mother -- but that would be disrespectful toward the man who gave me life, and, more important, taught me this beautiful game called chess.