LESSER-KNOWN IRISH
FOLK SONGS

"A Stabbing on the Square"

"Ballad of the Lost Phone Number (Where, O Where, Are You Tonight, Fair Lady?)"

"Hold Down the Protestant (So I That I May Beat Him)"

"How Did You Let The Potato Crop Die, You Dumb Son of a Bitch?"

"I Will Stab You in the Eye If You Touch My Wife Again, O'Malley"

"Don't Judge Me, Maggie. Don't Fucking Judge Me."

WATCHING 'THE SIMPSONS' WITH MY FATHER, BOB
8 p.m. Sunday
(Opening credits appear and "Simpsons" theme plays. Bob enters living room and sits down.)
BOB: You know, I don't think I've ever seen this show.
(Show opens with Marge, upon the advice of a parenting magazine, deciding to take away Maggie's pacifier. All hell breaks loose.)
BOB: mild chuckle
(After a series of sight gags involving pacifiers, Maggie finds comfort in one of Santa's Little Helper's chew toys.)
BOB: laughs at the familiarity of this; he raised five children
(Although Maggie is happy again, the chew toy squeaks incessantly, keeping Homer awake. He goes downstairs to watch TV. He sees an ad for Nappien, a sleeping pill. The ad shows a man struggling to sleep. He tries to count sheep, which have labels such as "job stress" and "mortgage.")
BOB: What did that sheep say?
ME: It says "secret other family."
BOB: chuckles heartily
(In the commercial, a dove representing Nappien flies into the man's bedroom and lands on his nose, then "poops" a pill into his mouth. It is a classic "Simpsons" gag.)
BOB: laughs loudly
(Homer, of course, goes on Nappien, which turns him into a zombie. Bart takes advantage, and he and Milhouse go on a rampage with zombie Homer. It ends with them crashing the car into a firehouse, spilling the chili and bending the firepole.)
BOB: laughs several times during the montage
(The fire alarm rings and the firemen rush to the pole.)
BOB: laughs in anticipation of the sight gag to come
(The firemen slide down the bent pole, which shoots then into the spilled chili. They slide into the wall, and are confronted by the fire dogs, who are all amped up on chili)
BOB: laughs at the payoff
(Homer is scolded by one of the angry firemen, whom is then scolded by Homer for being so negative. Fade to commercial.)
BOB: (rising from his chair, still chuckling) That's about the dumbest thing I have ever seen. (returns to his room to watch "Nova.")

SUMMER
I saw Phil
driving a stolen firetruck
The look on his face
said
"This is it!"
And then he was gone
Out of June
and into July

WILL OLDHAM SONGS THAT WOULD ALSO WORK AS THE TITLES FOR CHEESY 1980s ACTION-THRILLER FILMS

• "West Palm Beach"
• "New Partner"
• "Gulf Shores"
• "Disorder"
• "Blood Embrace"
• "Hard Life"
• "Death to Everyone"
  

I GUESS I WILL JUST NEVER UNDERSTAND CHESS
As anyone who considers himself a master of gamesmanship, it is a painful point for me to concede that I may never be skilled artisan of this ancient game of chess. It saddens me to think that those long nights that my father spent teaching me the game -- before he was sent away -- have gone to waste. It is my fault, of course. Terrified of his genius, I never mustered the courage to question the rules and tactics of this confounding pastime. It is these questions that I ask of you, my newfound friend here on the crosstown bus:

• King, queen, knight, pawn. These pieces I understand; all move in logical ways. But what about the all-powerful unicorn? Father said the unicorn could move in any direction any number of spaces -- yes, not unlike the queen -- but at any point in the game of his choosing, even in the middle of my turn. And why did I never have my own unicorn?
• Why do we dip our pieces in peanut butter before each turn? What role does peanut butter play in the development of chess? Father said Moses invented chess. Did the Jews in Egypt even have peanut butter?
  
• What kind of helmet do you wear when you play chess? Father insisted on the kind worn by lacrosse goalies, the better to protect your eyes when the pieces are flung at you in a rage. But I have found it difficult to concentrate with such a heavy contrivance upon my head.
  
• When I spy on the men playing chess in the park, I notice they never include marbles, dice or the "lose a turn" spinner in their matches. Father would scold them soundly for their attempts to dumb down this complex game. So would I, were I not so cripplingly shy. So would I ...
  
• And, finally, why does the chess king say such horrible things about father? Father carved the king out of fine Italian walnut and polished him every day with rich, creamery butter. For the king to lash out at him in such a vicious manner is a cause for deep sadness in me. I could easily say the same things about father -- about his drinking, his temper, his affairs, his lies about mother -- but that would be disrespectful toward the man who gave me life, and, more important, taught me this beautiful game called chess.
  

THINGS DAVID LEE ROTH
MIGHT HAVE BEEN "TALKIN' BOUT"

• Politics
• Michael Anthony
• The meatball sandwich he had for lunch
• Canada
• Fashionable footwear
• The TV program "Alice"
• A really, really strong case of "like"

THE SADDEST LINE IN THE SADDEST SONG EVER WRITTEN
"Now all them things that seemed so important
Well, mister, they vanished right into the air
Now I just act like I don't remember
Mary acts like she don't care"

Sigh.

"The River"

THE DALAI LAMA, BILL GATES AND BONO DISCUSS THE POSSIBILITY OF KATE BECKINSALE APPEARING NUDE IN HER NEXT FILM

DALAI LAMA: Someone said that Kate and Luke Wilson have sex in the movie. Personally I don't believe it.
BILL GATES: Don't believe it, Kate never gets naked. I respect that about her, too.
BONO: Maybe do some research there buddy. She has done nudity. And quite frankly, not a brief flash. She's walking topless quite a long time.
BILL GATES: You think I don't do my research? I've done more research on Kate than most people do on anything in their lifetime even for their careers. Ninety percent of the nudity in her movies isn't really her, it's just a body double. There is a lot of speculation "Uncovered," and most people think it was really her naked. I'm not sure, but I would have to say that's her only naked movie -- ever. "Haunted" was all body double, not her naked. Trust me when I say: I do my research when it involves Kate.
DALAI LAMA: You're really wrong. Do more research. Read interviews. She isn't ashamed of herself. She's done plenty of nudity, if the role requested it. She's not from the U.S., and not so uptight about things like that. As an American, you assume any nudity is dirty and evil, but it's just not that way in most civilized countries. Americans are ashamed of their bodies, maybe because they are uptight, maybe because they are the fattest country in the world, or maybe based on a series of superstitions and religions. Regardless, if you try to judge someone from Europe based on your slanted, U.S.-conditioned views, you will always think they are evil or bad in some way.
BILL GATES: You think because I'm American I think nudity is evil? Hahaha! Give me one picture of her naked in England when she was young. Just one. Seriously. I've done my research buddy. I've done it for a very, very, long time.
BONO: No matter how much research you do, Kate Beckinsale is never going to have sex with you.
DALAI LAMA: Haha! Pwned!

(The preceding was adapted from an Internet Movie Database bulletin board discussion of the film "Vacancy" starring Kate Beckinsale.)

SOUP
"Does this soup taste 'off' to you? Here. ... Doesn't it taste 'off?' What do I mean by 'off?' You know, 'off.' No, I didn't say it tasted bad. Don't get all upset. I know you spent all summer growing the beans, potatoes, corn, tomatoes, carrots, onions, celery and herbs. I know you raised the chickens used to make the stock and supply it with its meaty goodness. I know you made it from a recipe handed down to your mother from your grandmother from your great-grandmother. ... Still. Taste it again. ... What is that? Tarragon? What's tarragon? ... Well, for something that doesn't have the 'tarragon' in it's name, it certainly has a lot of it. I mean, I'd understand if it were called 'tarragon-vegetable-chicken soup,' but whatever. ... Regardless, I don't think that's it. What? What did you say? Oh, ham. ... I was about to say. What did I think you said? Never you mind. Let's just say it's not something a decent person would own, let alone put in soup. ... I'm upsetting you, aren't I? Stop crying. Is this about the drapes? It is, isn't it? Well, I'm sorry that I upset you. But if the drapes are too short for the window, what am I supposed to do, just sit there and say nothing? ... Are we completely out of wine? We sure drank that fast. ... What? You only had half a glass? Are you sure the bottle was full? I can usually only drink a few sips before I start running off at the mouth. ... What was that? ... You're mumbling. I wish you would speak more clearly. I remember the first time John brought you to the house, I asked him how on earth he understood a word you said. I always stressed clear, precise diction with my children. That's why it surprised me when John and you started going out. ... What do I mean by that? Oh, you know. Let's just let it go. You seem to make him happy, which is all that matters, no matter what I think. ... Is that the oven timer going off? Let's check those biscuits. ... Hmm ... Did you use a different recipe? Oh, no reason. They just look kind of 'off' ..."

REASON NO. 318 WHY "PET SOUNDS"
BY THE BEACH BOYS IS A SUPERIOR
RECORD TO THE BEATLES' "SGT. PEPPER"

If "Sgt. Pepper" is a really cool happening where all the sophisticated London cats like Peter Sellers and Mick Jagger have come over to get high with Swedish models and listen to the groovy new sounds, then "Pet Sounds" is a kid's birthday party in Thousand Oaks where the clown breaks down and starts crying about his pregnant girlfriend right in the middle of the magic sands of the desert trick.