21 THINGS ABOUT 21 PEOPLE
NUMBER 4

It's in someone else's hands
Now
This old house
That he rebuilt
Watched over
Painted
Roofed
Repaired
Used stronger wood than needed
For children who never quite appreciated
Like children do
He walks through
Touches the woodwork
Admires the floors
Appreciates the changes not made
To his handiwork
Gives his silent approval
And closes the door behind him

ASK ABE

My wife and I have split up, but I’m convinced that it was a bad idea. How can I patch things up?
I know your plight very well, fellow traveler. Lost in the shuffle of history is the fact that Mary once threw me out of the house for a month — we had been arguing over the interpretation of Psalm 131, I recall — and I was forced to win her back. If the cause for your rift is Bible-based, the simplest route back to the marital bed is to concede the point and move on. Have you found new lodgings? Proximity being vital, I urge you to find room and board near to your lady, the better to avail yourself to spontaneous wooing. Once her daily habits have been established, make it a practice to present yourself whenever possible. Unlike the great hunters of the plain, you need not hide in the bush — she is not an elk to be stalked. Rather, put on your finest morning coat and greet her as she walks outside to fetch the newspaper or leaves to do her daily market rounds. A lady also enjoys sentimental gestures. Perhaps a bouquet of periwinkles lodged in her windshield wipers, or a love poem discretely inserted into her mailbox after her bedroom lights blink off for the night? She needs to know that you’re not going anywhere.

PRE-APOCALYPTIC MIXTAPE

Waiting for the End of the World, Elvis Costello
Atlantic City, Bruce Springsteen
53rd and Third, The Ramones
Buick City Complex, Old 97s
Bad Karma, Warren Zevon
Black Sheets of Rain, Bob Mould
Ron Klaus Wrecked His House, Big Dipper
Everything Right Is Wrong Again, They Might Be Giants
Fall on Me, R.E.M.
Repo Man, Iggy Pop
White Riot, The Clash
Hurt, Johnny Cash
The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia, Vicki Lawrence
Gimme Shelter, The Rolling Stones

STUFF THAT I CURRENTLY LOVE BUT WOULD BE INSTANTLY REVULSED BY WERE COMEDIAN DANE COOK TO BEGIN DOING COMMERCIALS TO PROMOTE IT

06: Rollercoasters
05: Barbecued ribs
04: Sex
03: Christmas
02: Tina Fey
01: Democracy

LIVE AND LEARN

05. Discount meatloaf
04. Rental furniture
03. Dance-punk
02. Long Island Iced Tea
01. Capitalism

ASK ABE

Dear President Lincoln, I think I may have caught the acting bug. What should I do?
Unfortunately, there is no cure for the acting bug. When I was 17, my cousin Randolph caught the acting bug. At that time, the common wisdom was that you could cure the bug by repeatedly immersing the afflicted one in an ice-cold lake or swiftly moving stream, but, alas, it did not work and Randolph eventually to fled under the veil of darkness to Chicago, where he joined a touring production of “The Taming of the Shrew.” He was never heard from again. You appear to be the initial stages of the disease. As it escalates, you will feel compelled to quit your job, sell your LP records and move to Los Angeles, where you will get a job at a convenience store to give you the flexibility needed to be able to audition for infomercials and industrial films. Like the junkie trying to get off the horse, you will endure sleepless nights, cold sweats and chronic nausea as you try to beat this bug. Some people – Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, the cast of “Law & Order” – have managed to live successful and healthy lives despite having the acting bug, but thousands more, sadly, do not. They live in squalid one-room apartments in Van Nuys and Encino, subsisting on Hot Pockets and tap water and working as party magicians, convinced that this is the week they’ll get signed with an agency. Stem cell researchers have made some advances toward a cure, but have thus far only been able to slow its advance in lab rats.

LISTS

REALLY, IT'S NOT
NEARLY AS GOOD
AS IT SOUNDS
06: Footlong hotdog
05: Bed and breakfast
04: Valuable coupon
03: Jazz
02: Vice president
01: Belgium

THE SIX DUMBEST THINGS
I EVER SAID TO ATTRACTIVE
WOMEN I MET IN BARS
06: Yes, that seat is taken.
05: Aren't you the girl who threw up all over the coats at (blank's) party?
04: I'm sorry, I don't like to dance.
03: Can I borrow two dollars to buy a beer?
02: Can't one of your friends drive you home?
01: Well, then do you think your friend would go out with me?

SIX NAMES FOR INDIE ROCK
BANDS I MAY SOMEDAY FORM
06: Death Cab for Millard Fillmore
05: To the Hammer, a Nail
04: Black Plastic Someday
03: Three-Button Jacket
02: Madagascar
01: Sandwich! Sandwich! Sandwich!

OH MY GOD
YOU ARE SUCH
AN IDIOT
06: Tribal tattoos
05: Maroon Five
04: Ugg boots
03: Naked yoga
02: Vitamin Water
01: "... Yeah, but at least we got rid of Saddam."

DECLASSIFIED MEMO:
SIX JOBS PRESIDENT BUSH
IS ACTIVELY CONSIDERING
ONCE HE LEAVES THE WHITE HOUSE
06: Cowboy
05: Fireman
04: Major League baseball player
03: Taste Tester at ice cream factory
02: Peace Core (sic) volunteer
01: President of smaller, less picky country

DOG DAYS OF SUMMER MIX

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight, The Postal Service

The River, Bruce Springsteen

Gigantic, The Pixies

Nobody, The Replacements

Sun Gone Down, House of Freaks

Overexposure, The Fervor

I'm Over You, The Silos

Johnny Appleseed, Joe Strummer & the Mescaleros

W.A.N.D., Flaming Lips

Harborcoat, R.E.M.

Endless Summer, Follow the Train

Get Out of the Pool, Drunken Boat

Baby Blue, SF Seals

Hang Me Up To Dry, Cold War Kids

Clampdown, The Clash

AN HONEST-TO-GOD THING I JUST OVERHEARD
AT THE COFFEEHOUSE

Man No. 1: I think the single greatest ingredient you can use in cooking is love.

Man No. 2: I like onions and garlic.


Annnnnd scene!

POPULAR NASCAR DRIVERS AND THEIR
PARALLELS IN FRENCH NEW WAVE CINEMA

Read my new piece at Cracked.com.