AM I IN THE MAFIA?
In these hectic times, what with work, the kids and your work on the Romney campaign, it's hard to keep everything straight. You misplace your keys, forget to thaw the roast, even forget that you've joined La Cosa Nostra. We can't help you find those keys, but we can help you figure out whether you're, as they say, "mobbed up."

Do I wear a pinky ring? 90% chance

(Exception: I'm the Pope: 34% chance)

Do I drive a Volkswagen Jetta? 0% chance

Does my MySpace profile list "arson" among my interests? 87% chance

Do I like Death Cab for Cutie? 13% chance

Do I keep an ax, a shovel and a .38 in my trunk? 99% chance

Is my favorite movie "The Remains of the Day"? 28% chance

Do I keep $10,000 in cash in my freezer? 60% chance

Is my Cadillac Escalade registered in the name of a deceased pipefitter? 82% chance

Do I know the names of at least two people on "The Hills"? 2% chance

Do I collect the skim from the Saturday bingo game at St. Theresa's? 88% chance

Have I read "Love in the Time of Cholera?" 17% chance

Do I spend most of my afternoons at the Ravenite Social Club in Little Italy? 58% chance

Do I drink Mike's Hard Lemonade? 9% chance

Does the butcher give my mother a free Christmas ham every year? 45% chance

Do I have an image of Al Pacino in "Scarface" tattooed on my calf? 58% chance

Is my favorite meal braised tofu served with broccoli, carrots, mushrooms, cauliflower and zucchini? 4% chance

Do have a man named Jimmy the Nose stored in the freezer in my basement? 100% chance

MY LEAST FAVORITE SCENE IN THE 1988 ACTION FILM "DIE HARD"
John McClane yelps into his walkie-talkie, alarming the cop on the other end (whose only chracter description in the script was, apparently, "fat and black"), for he believes for a moment that the terrorists have brutally murdered his new friend. Instead, McClane is upset over the fact that a Twinkie he found somewhere in the building has gone rancid. The cop (a.k.a. the dad on that Urkel show) responds hilariously by lovingly ticking off the list of Twinkie ingredients ("...enriched wheat flour, riboflavin, yellow dye no. 5...") in a way that no one -- NO ONE -- would ever do in a similarly tense and potentially apocalyptic situation. Here is how I have improved this scene:

McClane: Yelp!
Coppy McCopperson: McClane! What's wrong?
McClane: I just bit into a 10-year-old Twinkie.
Coppy McCopperson: Stop eating Twinkies and get the fuck out of there!!!!!

(end scene)

YOU ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING AND I THINK I HATE YOU ALREADY

I know what lol means. You don't have to put "laugh out loud" in parentheses next to it in your e-mail.

ASK ABE

Dear President Lincoln: The panhandlers in this town are out of control! The other day, one of them yelled at me when I wouldn't give him a dollar. I was so rattled that I couldn't finish my mochaccino. Won't someone please do something to stop this menace?
One of the unintended consequences of our glorious, as-God-intended victory in the War Between the States was the flood of shell-shocked veterans and dislocated refugees that poured into our cities. Being a humane society, we did not shunt these people off to prison or drown them in the river, as was the fashion just a decade before. Rather, we spared no expense to create magnificent workhouses where these poor souls found shelter, nourishment and respectability as they worked 12 hours a day making barrel hoops and mop handles. I remember well the grateful looks on their faces as they pressed against the glass, eight and nine deep, to get a glimpse of my carriage as it passed. Solving the problem isn't so simple for your generation, as the do-gooders have made it impossible to do anything but hand out hugs and sandwiches, obligation-free, to these wretches. How appalling! Just because you live on the street doesn't mean you own it.

21 THINGS ABOUT 21 PEOPLE
NUMBER 4

It's in someone else's hands
Now
This old house
That he rebuilt
Watched over
Painted
Roofed
Repaired
Used stronger wood than needed
For children who never quite appreciated
Like children do
He walks through
Touches the woodwork
Admires the floors
Appreciates the changes not made
To his handiwork
Gives his silent approval
And closes the door behind him

ASK ABE

My wife and I have split up, but I’m convinced that it was a bad idea. How can I patch things up?
I know your plight very well, fellow traveler. Lost in the shuffle of history is the fact that Mary once threw me out of the house for a month — we had been arguing over the interpretation of Psalm 131, I recall — and I was forced to win her back. If the cause for your rift is Bible-based, the simplest route back to the marital bed is to concede the point and move on. Have you found new lodgings? Proximity being vital, I urge you to find room and board near to your lady, the better to avail yourself to spontaneous wooing. Once her daily habits have been established, make it a practice to present yourself whenever possible. Unlike the great hunters of the plain, you need not hide in the bush — she is not an elk to be stalked. Rather, put on your finest morning coat and greet her as she walks outside to fetch the newspaper or leaves to do her daily market rounds. A lady also enjoys sentimental gestures. Perhaps a bouquet of periwinkles lodged in her windshield wipers, or a love poem discretely inserted into her mailbox after her bedroom lights blink off for the night? She needs to know that you’re not going anywhere.

PRE-APOCALYPTIC MIXTAPE

Waiting for the End of the World, Elvis Costello
Atlantic City, Bruce Springsteen
53rd and Third, The Ramones
Buick City Complex, Old 97s
Bad Karma, Warren Zevon
Black Sheets of Rain, Bob Mould
Ron Klaus Wrecked His House, Big Dipper
Everything Right Is Wrong Again, They Might Be Giants
Fall on Me, R.E.M.
Repo Man, Iggy Pop
White Riot, The Clash
Hurt, Johnny Cash
The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia, Vicki Lawrence
Gimme Shelter, The Rolling Stones

STUFF THAT I CURRENTLY LOVE BUT WOULD BE INSTANTLY REVULSED BY WERE COMEDIAN DANE COOK TO BEGIN DOING COMMERCIALS TO PROMOTE IT

06: Rollercoasters
05: Barbecued ribs
04: Sex
03: Christmas
02: Tina Fey
01: Democracy

LIVE AND LEARN

05. Discount meatloaf
04. Rental furniture
03. Dance-punk
02. Long Island Iced Tea
01. Capitalism

ASK ABE

Dear President Lincoln, I think I may have caught the acting bug. What should I do?
Unfortunately, there is no cure for the acting bug. When I was 17, my cousin Randolph caught the acting bug. At that time, the common wisdom was that you could cure the bug by repeatedly immersing the afflicted one in an ice-cold lake or swiftly moving stream, but, alas, it did not work and Randolph eventually to fled under the veil of darkness to Chicago, where he joined a touring production of “The Taming of the Shrew.” He was never heard from again. You appear to be the initial stages of the disease. As it escalates, you will feel compelled to quit your job, sell your LP records and move to Los Angeles, where you will get a job at a convenience store to give you the flexibility needed to be able to audition for infomercials and industrial films. Like the junkie trying to get off the horse, you will endure sleepless nights, cold sweats and chronic nausea as you try to beat this bug. Some people – Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, the cast of “Law & Order” – have managed to live successful and healthy lives despite having the acting bug, but thousands more, sadly, do not. They live in squalid one-room apartments in Van Nuys and Encino, subsisting on Hot Pockets and tap water and working as party magicians, convinced that this is the week they’ll get signed with an agency. Stem cell researchers have made some advances toward a cure, but have thus far only been able to slow its advance in lab rats.