CAPTIONS FOR NEW YORKER CARTOONS THAT HAVE YET TO BE DRAWN: A FREE SERVICE

01. "That's the last time I ever open my mouth in a meeting."
02. "When I said 'Sell everything,' I didn't mean everything."
03. "But honey, Obama said the country needs to become more unified."
04. "I'm resigning to spend more time with my Second Life family."
05. "He's not a guide dog, per se, but he does know a lot about art."

CELEBRITY LAST NAMES THAT COULD BE CONFUSED FOR AN OBSCURE SPECIES OF PLANT OR ANIMAL

01. Wopat
02. Sambora
03. Bakula
04. Dratch
05. Grohl
06. Kutcher
07. Stipe
08. Dench

RACE HORSE NAMES TO STEER CLEAR OF SHOULD YOU FIND YOURSELF IN THE MIDST OF A FEDERAL CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION

1. Tax Cheat
2. Osama's Pal
3. Offshore Account
4. Daddy's Little Meth Lab
5. Bail Jumper
6. Shesburiedinthecellar

WORDS AND PHRASES THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO APPEAR IN YOUR OBITUARY

1. "treasonous"
2. "gambling debts"
3. "oft-divorced"
4. "drunken"
5. "imprisoned several times"
6. "his good friend, O.J. Simpson"
7. "dog killer"
8. "sought by the government"
9. "doughy"
10. "dismembered and lying in a ditch"

CREATIVE WRITING EXERCISES
Fall 2008
Instructor: Nord
Length: 300 words each
Due: Tuesday, October 7

1. Imagine that there is no such thing as a garbage can. You must carry all your refuse in a bag, that can only be emptied once a week down at the town hall. What would that be like? Weird, I bet.

2. A man with an eye patch and hook for a hand sits down at the bar next to you. He has an amazing story to tell. What is that story? (NOTE: He cannot be a pirate.)

3. You wake up in a room that contains a bed, a table and a chair. A bare light bulb swings from the ceiling. You hear someone in the hall speaking Spanish. Or is it Arabic? The door is locked. Use this as the basis for a romantic scene.

4. A car just hit your dog, ol' whatsitsname. And you're the driver! Irony!

5. Same scenario, except with your mother.

6. You've just been elected president -- of Mars!

7. Your eyes are in your feet, but nothing else is different. How would this affect, among other things, the shoe industry?

8. Every Sunday, you shop for the week at Whole Foods. You have become quite flirty with the girl who works the cheese counter, despite your substantial age difference. What would you say to convince her to go out with you?

9. That whore of a wife of yours is having an affair with the head of the English department a guy she works with some trash she picked up at TGI Fridays. Plot the perfect murder.

10. Aw, fuck it.

MOVIES THAT WOULD MAKE FOR EXCELLENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING PROGRAMS, BASED ON A RECENT AFTERNOON SPENT WATCHING "REMEMBER THE TITANS" WITH 25 CO-WORKERS IN A CONFERENCE ROOM AT THE COMPANY WHERE I AM EMPLOYED.

1. "Sink or Swim: What 'Titanic' Teaches Us About Teamwork"
2. "No One Is Indispensable: Management Lessons from 'Schindler's List' "
3. "Run (insert your name here), Run! Motivating Employees the 'Forrest Gump' Way"
4. "Crisis ... or Opportunity? What Good Salesmen Learn from 'The Day After' "
5. "Surrender (Your Prejudices), Dorothy! Teaching Diversity 'The Wizard of Oz' Way"

POPULAR FILMS AND THEIR TITLES IF THEY WERE ACTUALLY 1970s SITCOMS


1. "That Sinking Feeling" ("Titanic")
2. "Rap It Up" ("8 Mile")
3. "Checking In" ("Psycho")
4. "Knocked Out" ("Raging Bull")
5. "Who's Da Boss?" ("The Godfather")
6. "Up the River" ("Apocalypse Now")
7. "Daddy's Boy" ("The Passion of the Christ")
8. "Working It Out" ("Schindler's List")
9. "Driving Me Crazy" ("Taxi Driver")
10. "Boy, Oh Boy!" ("The 400 Blows")

KENTUCKY DERBY MIXTAPE

"The Race Is On," George Jones

"Dead Flowers," The Rolling Stones

"Central Avenue," Love Jones

"Mustang Sally," Wilson Pickett

"Run Dusty Run," The Long Ryders

"A Horse With No Name," America

"Stewball," Peter, Paul & Mary

"Don't Run Wild," The Del Fuegos

"Fugue for Tinhorns," Frank Sinatra

"Back in the Saddle Again," Gene Autry

"The Bottom Line," Big Audio Dynamite

"One Mint Julep," Ray Charles

DEBUNKED!
SEVEN MYTHS ABOUT JOHN MCCAIN

1. He did not invent the sawhorse.
2. He does not subsist on a diet consisting entirely of Hot Pockets and Cherry Coke.
3. His teeth are not made from whale bone.
4. He did not write the original draft of the screenplay for "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom."
5. He never dated actress Julia Roberts.
6. He cannot tell someone's weight simply by shaking their hand.
7. He was never in Supertramp.

THINGS I HAVE AGREED TO DO DURING A LONG NIGHT OF DRINKING

1. Buy someone's pickup truck
2. Take a month-long trip to India
3. Quit my job to start an advertising firm with two other guys
4. Play in a fantasy baseball league
5. Attend a Bruce Hornsby concert
6. Move to New York City and start all over
7. Paint someone's kitchen
8. Adopt a puppy
9. Invest in a chain of for-profit haunted houses
10. Start a really kick-ass kickball league. You know, one that wouldn't be lame like all those other kickball leagues.