NATIONS THAT I WAS MILDLY SURPRISED TO DISCOVER HAVE FULLY FUNCTIONING AIR FORCES

1. Qatar
2. Singapore
3. Honduras
4. Belgium
5. Togo

FIVE NICKNAMES GIVEN TO ME BY HOMELESS GENTLEMEN

01. Big Guy
02. Big Fella
03. Big Man
04. Mister Big
05. Big Dawg

ASK ABE
I occasionally write an advice column for Velocity magazine under the guise of President Abraham Lincoln. Some people know this, some don't. Here are a few recent columns.

This snow is a real headache! I was a half hour late for work this morning because of it. Do you have any tips for coping with the snow and ice?
Verily, a wintry day can be a trial for the unprepared citizenry. When I was 8, a great blizzard struck, shutting down all commerce from Rockport Junction to Buffaloville. The wife of the man who owned the farm next to us, a drunkard known for binging on bark juice, came to us in a fury, seeking our help with her boy, who was stricken with influenza. My father and I set out for Gentryville in the wagon to fetch a doctor. It took the better part of two days, but we made it. Sadly, the boy had passed by the time we returned with the doc. Meanwhile, father caught such chill that he wasn't fully recovered until summer. So I understand what you're going through. I suggest that you invest in a good ice scraper and a big cup of shut the hell up.

My wife and I just came into some money. She wants to save it, but I say we should go ahead and splurge. What would you do?
In times like these, the urge is strong to take all your money out of the bank and bury it in an old pickle jar out by the shed. When all your friends are using coupons to buy luncheon meat, one knows that there is trouble in the economic system. But I say spend the money now. No sense walking around with cash in your pocket but a gloom in your soul. Besides, better to convert that money into a tangible good while our currency is still worth something. You'll thank yourself six months from now when you're bartering that fancy phonograph player for some dried soup beans.

Land of Lincoln? It's more like Land of Stinkin' How can you sit there and watch these clowns ruin your state's reputation?
Let me first just say that not only do I not know Gov. Blagojevich, I can't even pronounce his name. Har! Good stuff. I offered that rejoinder to the Obama people, but they have not responded to my e-mail. But in all seriousness, these shenanigans are hardly a new invention. Trust me, politicians have been up to no good since Augustus Caesar. It's been said that I lost the the senate race in 1858 due to the timely delivery of six cases of Scotch whiskey to a group of undecided voters on election day. And the only honest election Millard Fillmore ever won was the race for junior class treasurer (though I personally had my doubts). This, too, will pass, and before you know it, Illinois will have a whole new governor under federal investigation.

Everyone's getting a bailout these days. When is someone going to bail me out?
Nothing pinches my suspenders more than the thought of some robber baron getting a free ride on the public's dime. We're sending these mountebanks railcars full of greenbacks when we should be putting them on trial for malfeasance, misfeasance and any other kind of feasance you can think of. This nation survived a civil war -- we can live without this thing you call Citibank, whatever the hell that is. When I was in my first term, it was discovered that the president of the First Bank of Schenectady had misappropriated an entire month's deposits to buy fancy undergarments for his mistress. Did I bail his bank out? No! I had federal marshals drag him out to the town square, where his customers deposited a flurry of kicks and punches to his rib cage. Now that's what I call bank reform!

The markets are very volatile these days. Up. Down. Up. Down. I'm going crazy over here. I have no idea what to do. Help!
Not since the Great Bear Market of 1855 — when actual bears got into the trading house and thrashed 17 men to death — have I so witnessed such a frightful time in the trading of stocks. As a semi-puritanical loner crippled by shyness, I have never quite understood the attraction folks have with money. Give me enough tobacco to fill my pipe and a cool, dark room, and I am as content as can be. But if you insist on acquiring great wealth, take the advice of my friend Warren Buffett (little known fact: we grew up together) who tells us to stay away from flashy tech stocks — whatever those are; I died in 1865! — and stick to the basics. Purchase stocks in the companies that manufacture the things you use on a daily basis: churns, lye soap, cornmeal, cabin paste and the like. You will make a pretty penny. And by that, I mean an actual penny. Times are tough out there!

RANDOM LINES FROM WIKIPEDIA

01. "When young he would often make his own puppet theater to amuse himself."

02. "Controversy arose when it was claimed that Heather had tried to sleep with Vanilla Ice during the filming of another VH1 reality show, 'The Surreal Life: Fame Games'."

03. "He recorded watersounds from a bucket of water and played sounds on a homemade bamboo flute."

04. "Prince Bernhard von Bülow (not to be confused with his more famous uncle, the former Chancellor Bernhard von Bülow)."

05. "She is famous for staging a fainting on the street to test emergency services in San Francisco which were found wanting."

06. "Compulsory pasteurization is controversial."

07. "The song is based on the singer's lament that he supposedly resembles celebrity talk show host Merv Griffin."

08. "Set on the streets of modern day Venice Beach, Vicious Circle is a tragic punk rock Latino love story; a raw, edgy, teenage Romeo and Juliet with a murder mystery twist."

09. "The legendary dwarf hero Dunforth wove his beard into a shirt, forsaking all other forms of armor."

10. "According to his account, he became involved with drugs after failing to gain the role won by Woody Harrelson in the sitcom Cheers."

CAPTIONS FOR NEW YORKER CARTOONS THAT HAVE YET TO BE DRAWN: A FREE SERVICE

01. "That's the last time I ever open my mouth in a meeting."
02. "When I said 'Sell everything,' I didn't mean everything."
03. "But honey, Obama said the country needs to become more unified."
04. "I'm resigning to spend more time with my Second Life family."
05. "He's not a guide dog, per se, but he does know a lot about art."

CELEBRITY LAST NAMES THAT COULD BE CONFUSED FOR AN OBSCURE SPECIES OF PLANT OR ANIMAL

01. Wopat
02. Sambora
03. Bakula
04. Dratch
05. Grohl
06. Kutcher
07. Stipe
08. Dench

RACE HORSE NAMES TO STEER CLEAR OF SHOULD YOU FIND YOURSELF IN THE MIDST OF A FEDERAL CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION

1. Tax Cheat
2. Osama's Pal
3. Offshore Account
4. Daddy's Little Meth Lab
5. Bail Jumper
6. Shesburiedinthecellar

WORDS AND PHRASES THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO APPEAR IN YOUR OBITUARY

1. "treasonous"
2. "gambling debts"
3. "oft-divorced"
4. "drunken"
5. "imprisoned several times"
6. "his good friend, O.J. Simpson"
7. "dog killer"
8. "sought by the government"
9. "doughy"
10. "dismembered and lying in a ditch"

CREATIVE WRITING EXERCISES
Fall 2008
Instructor: Nord
Length: 300 words each
Due: Tuesday, October 7

1. Imagine that there is no such thing as a garbage can. You must carry all your refuse in a bag, that can only be emptied once a week down at the town hall. What would that be like? Weird, I bet.

2. A man with an eye patch and hook for a hand sits down at the bar next to you. He has an amazing story to tell. What is that story? (NOTE: He cannot be a pirate.)

3. You wake up in a room that contains a bed, a table and a chair. A bare light bulb swings from the ceiling. You hear someone in the hall speaking Spanish. Or is it Arabic? The door is locked. Use this as the basis for a romantic scene.

4. A car just hit your dog, ol' whatsitsname. And you're the driver! Irony!

5. Same scenario, except with your mother.

6. You've just been elected president -- of Mars!

7. Your eyes are in your feet, but nothing else is different. How would this affect, among other things, the shoe industry?

8. Every Sunday, you shop for the week at Whole Foods. You have become quite flirty with the girl who works the cheese counter, despite your substantial age difference. What would you say to convince her to go out with you?

9. That whore of a wife of yours is having an affair with the head of the English department a guy she works with some trash she picked up at TGI Fridays. Plot the perfect murder.

10. Aw, fuck it.

MOVIES THAT WOULD MAKE FOR EXCELLENT MANAGEMENT TRAINING PROGRAMS, BASED ON A RECENT AFTERNOON SPENT WATCHING "REMEMBER THE TITANS" WITH 25 CO-WORKERS IN A CONFERENCE ROOM AT THE COMPANY WHERE I AM EMPLOYED.

1. "Sink or Swim: What 'Titanic' Teaches Us About Teamwork"
2. "No One Is Indispensable: Management Lessons from 'Schindler's List' "
3. "Run (insert your name here), Run! Motivating Employees the 'Forrest Gump' Way"
4. "Crisis ... or Opportunity? What Good Salesmen Learn from 'The Day After' "
5. "Surrender (Your Prejudices), Dorothy! Teaching Diversity 'The Wizard of Oz' Way"