THE DALAI LAMA, BILL GATES AND BONO DISCUSS THE POSSIBILITY OF KATE BECKINSALE APPEARING NUDE IN HER NEXT FILM

DALAI LAMA: Someone said that Kate and Luke Wilson have sex in the movie. Personally I don't believe it.
BILL GATES: Don't believe it, Kate never gets naked. I respect that about her, too.
BONO: Maybe do some research there buddy. She has done nudity. And quite frankly, not a brief flash. She's walking topless quite a long time.
BILL GATES: You think I don't do my research? I've done more research on Kate than most people do on anything in their lifetime even for their careers. Ninety percent of the nudity in her movies isn't really her, it's just a body double. There is a lot of speculation "Uncovered," and most people think it was really her naked. I'm not sure, but I would have to say that's her only naked movie -- ever. "Haunted" was all body double, not her naked. Trust me when I say: I do my research when it involves Kate.
DALAI LAMA: You're really wrong. Do more research. Read interviews. She isn't ashamed of herself. She's done plenty of nudity, if the role requested it. She's not from the U.S., and not so uptight about things like that. As an American, you assume any nudity is dirty and evil, but it's just not that way in most civilized countries. Americans are ashamed of their bodies, maybe because they are uptight, maybe because they are the fattest country in the world, or maybe based on a series of superstitions and religions. Regardless, if you try to judge someone from Europe based on your slanted, U.S.-conditioned views, you will always think they are evil or bad in some way.
BILL GATES: You think because I'm American I think nudity is evil? Hahaha! Give me one picture of her naked in England when she was young. Just one. Seriously. I've done my research buddy. I've done it for a very, very, long time.
BONO: No matter how much research you do, Kate Beckinsale is never going to have sex with you.
DALAI LAMA: Haha! Pwned!

(The preceding was adapted from an Internet Movie Database bulletin board discussion of the film "Vacancy" starring Kate Beckinsale.)

SOUP
"Does this soup taste 'off' to you? Here. ... Doesn't it taste 'off?' What do I mean by 'off?' You know, 'off.' No, I didn't say it tasted bad. Don't get all upset. I know you spent all summer growing the beans, potatoes, corn, tomatoes, carrots, onions, celery and herbs. I know you raised the chickens used to make the stock and supply it with its meaty goodness. I know you made it from a recipe handed down to your mother from your grandmother from your great-grandmother. ... Still. Taste it again. ... What is that? Tarragon? What's tarragon? ... Well, for something that doesn't have the 'tarragon' in it's name, it certainly has a lot of it. I mean, I'd understand if it were called 'tarragon-vegetable-chicken soup,' but whatever. ... Regardless, I don't think that's it. What? What did you say? Oh, ham. ... I was about to say. What did I think you said? Never you mind. Let's just say it's not something a decent person would own, let alone put in soup. ... I'm upsetting you, aren't I? Stop crying. Is this about the drapes? It is, isn't it? Well, I'm sorry that I upset you. But if the drapes are too short for the window, what am I supposed to do, just sit there and say nothing? ... Are we completely out of wine? We sure drank that fast. ... What? You only had half a glass? Are you sure the bottle was full? I can usually only drink a few sips before I start running off at the mouth. ... What was that? ... You're mumbling. I wish you would speak more clearly. I remember the first time John brought you to the house, I asked him how on earth he understood a word you said. I always stressed clear, precise diction with my children. That's why it surprised me when John and you started going out. ... What do I mean by that? Oh, you know. Let's just let it go. You seem to make him happy, which is all that matters, no matter what I think. ... Is that the oven timer going off? Let's check those biscuits. ... Hmm ... Did you use a different recipe? Oh, no reason. They just look kind of 'off' ..."

REASON NO. 318 WHY "PET SOUNDS"
BY THE BEACH BOYS IS A SUPERIOR
RECORD TO THE BEATLES' "SGT. PEPPER"

If "Sgt. Pepper" is a really cool happening where all the sophisticated London cats like Peter Sellers and Mick Jagger have come over to get high with Swedish models and listen to the groovy new sounds, then "Pet Sounds" is a kid's birthday party in Thousand Oaks where the clown breaks down and starts crying about his pregnant girlfriend right in the middle of the magic sands of the desert trick.

FOR THE TRAVELER:
USELESS PHRASES TRANSLATED
INTO FRENCH FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE

"Je conviens. Le Président Bush est en grande partie mal compris."
("I agree. President Bush is largely misunderstood.")

"Le prochain film d' 'Jackass' n'est pas dû jusqu'en 2008."
("The next 'Jackass' film isn't due until 2008.")

"J'aurai les fishsticks, si'l vous plait."
("I'll have the fishsticks, please.")

"Avez-vous une section non fumeuse?"
("Do you have a non-smoking section?")

"Dick Cheney m'a dit au sujet de ce restaurant."
("Dick Cheney told me about this restaurant.")

"Obtenez-la faite!"
("Git 'er done!")

DULY NOTED
Your two favorite books can't possibly be "Atlas Shrugged" and "The Jungle." That doesn't make any sense.

DULY NOTED
If you are old enough to smoke, you are too old to be riding that Razor scooter.

DEAR BLUE OYSTER CULT

Dear Blue Oyster Cult:
I drive a 1978 Ford Fairmont with 167,000 miles on it. I have to constantly pour oil into it and it gets crappy mileage. I need a new car, but I am buried in credit card bills and college debt. My dad says he'll buy me a decent used car, but I know he is only offering to do it because he wants something to hold over me. He is a real jerk. What should I do?
Lowspeed Racer,
Nyack, N.Y.

Dear Lowspeed Racer:
You can drive my motorcar
It's insured to thirty thou
Kill them all if you wish

Dear Blue Oyster Cult:
My girlfriend never seems to want to get it on. I have never had this problem with a woman before, but she seems very frigid. I know she works very hard down at the DMV, but a man has needs!
Love Machine,
Clarksville, Ind.

Dear Love Machine:
Night time flowers, evening roses
Bless this garden that never closes
Treat her gently, treat her kind
Tenderloin will last all night

Dear Blue Oyster Cult:
My best friend's wife hit on me at a party. Should I tell him, or should I just keep my mouth shut?
Conflicted
El Paso, Texas

Dear Conflicted:
And where there's smoke, there's fire,
the flip side of desire.
And if it's true, it can't be you,
it might as well be me.

Dear Blue Oyster Cult:
My family is coming to my house for Thanksgiving this year and I have no idea what to do. I can barely boil water, let alone cook a turkey dinner for seven people. Help!
A Real Turkey,
Carlsbad, Calif.

Dear Turkey:
Don't let these shakes go on,
it's time we had a break from it
It's time we had some leave
We've been living in the flames
We've been eating up our brains
Oh please, don't let these shakes go on.

Dear Blue Oyster Cult:
Excuse me?
A Real Turkey
Carlsbad, Calif.

Dear Turkey:
Try ordering a prepared meal from Boston Market or one of your local grocery stores. Be sure to place your order well in advance to avoid last-minute snafus.

A MEMBER OF AN APOCALYPTIC DEATH CULT
INQUIRES ABOUT A NEW MATTRESS
"Hello... Is this Mattress Mike's? Great. Listen, I see that you are advertising a queen set that is guaranteed to last 15 years, but I sorta have a special request. It's religious in nature. Am I a member of the Hasidim? Oh, no. But I must applaud your apparent interest in world religions. No, I belong to an offshoot of the Pentecostalist Church. Very small. We meet in the basement of the Orange Park Strike & Spare on Tuesday nights, if you're interested. Anyhoo, I need a new mattress, but to be honest, I just don't need one that will last 15 years. This sounds silly, but do you have anything, um, less durable? I know, I know. It's weird. No? It isn't? Well aren't you nice! Okay, basically, what I'm looking for is something in the five-year range. You see, the prophecies clearly state that on Nov. 1, 2011... Oh, will you listen to me rambling on? Sorry. I'll cut to the chase: The mattress that was given to me by the Old Wise One ... Him? Oh, he's like a pastor, I guess. Anyway, the mattress that I currently sleep on is about shot. The springs are starting to come through, there are a few bloodstains on it... Pardon? I'm not sure. They were there when I got it. Bottom line is that I need a new mattress. Sure, if the world were ending in, say, a year, I guess I could tough it out. But like I said -- 2011. My back hurts just thinking about that. On the other hand, it's just plain silly to shell out $700 for something that's supposed to last 15 years when I only need it for five, tops. Do you see my quandary? Gently used? Tell me more... No, I never realized that the top hotels change out their mattresses every two years. So what are we talking here? $350? Would you settle for $300? Great. May the blessings of Cecil the Omnipotent fall upon you and... Him? He's sort of a Buddha-like figure for us. He wrote the Six Sacred Books of Abilene... Never heard of them? No worries. I get that a lot. So anyway, regarding delivery, our compound is out by the old tuberculosis hospital. You'll have to drop it off at the gate, but there'll be someone to meet you... Great. Now, payment. Are you familiar with the barter system? You are? Wow. To be honest, I'm always surprised when people say yes. I gotta tell you -- you are a really good mattress salesman. Anyway, we consider accumulation of wealth to be sinful and, given the impending, um, "situation," kind of a waste anyway. So, just thinking outside the box here, but how would your manager feel if I offered you payment in the form of 45 pounds of the finest rattlesnake meat available? It's 30 percent leaner than chicken and has twice the antioxidants of tuna... People are already talking like it's the new ostrich meat... Hello? Hello?"

THINGS A HAMSTER THINKS
AS HE IS BEING DEVOURED BY A SNAKE
10. Snakes look much the same on the inside as they do on the outside.
9. I wonder what I taste like?
8. That's odd. Wikipedia said this type of snake was an herbivore.
7. This is sooo punk rock.
6. I totally forgot to return Glenn's "Freaks & Geeks" DVD.
5. It's true: In the end, it really doesn't matter who you vote for.
4. "And when he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of Heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun."
3. I really regret those seven years I wasted in art school.
2. The pet shop clerk clearly stated that I was not to be used as food.
1. This is taking a lot longer than I had hoped.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF MY FATHER, BOB
10. Thou shalt not sit on the edge of the bed, for it can damage the mattress.
9. Thou shalt not discuss politics at the dinner table, for it makes Bob angry.
8. Thou shalt not watch TV in the dark, for it strains the eyes.
7. Thou shalt not borrow Bob's power tools, especially if you are the clumsy son.
6. Thou shalt always eat meat with a starch, be it a potato, bread or at least a cracker.
5. Thou shalt not listen to any music made past 1950, for it is all crap.
4. Thou shalt keep the damned door closed, for you're not the one paying the utility bill.
3. Thou shalt not forget to re-adjust the seat and mirrors after borrowing Bob's car.
2. Thou shalt not wear shorts, for they make you look unmanly.
1. Thou shalt get your head out of your ass, for Chrissakes.